Kiddo update

Ever since we changed around the sleeping arrangements in this house, there have been NO BEDTIME crying for dad. It has been wonderful to not have that heartache every night.
Carlie's emotions are still on the edge. She is acting out by trying to be very controlling of everything I do. I completely understand...she is hurt by everything he is doing and has absolutely no control over the situation. I'm slowly easing in conversations with her about the fact that I am doing the best I can and she really is expecting a bit too much. She got upset one night when we were having a sleep over with friends. She thought I should go to bed when the kids did instead of staying up and visiting with the grown ups. She thinks my life should be only about taking care of the kids right now. I gently reminded her that yes, I was visiting with friends, BUT....you kids are with me! I could be leaving them all the time with friends or sitters AND I'M NOT. She needs to get that. They have all been resistent to doing anything for themselves too. It is especially noticeable with Carlie because she is the oldest. The more they demand of me, the more I give, the more they feel safe/loved, then the more they demand of me because they want more and more and more of that feeling. I'm going above and beyond to make them feel safe and loved...and I'm creating some firm boundaries also. I have to remain sane!
Sam isn't crying quite as much. He was crying at the drop of a hat for a while. Now he can talk about his Dad without getting upset. He is very matter of fact about stuff. Being 6, his imagination is in full swing...it makes for some interesting conversations. This morning, one of the first things he said to me was, "I wish magic wands were real! If I had a magic wand, then I would go back in time to right when Dad decided to leave. I would sneak around the corner, wave my magic wand, and make him change his mind!"
Harry is doing good now. He seems to have just accepted that life is now different. He is confused on details. The word "married" gets thrown around alot in his converstions. He is really struggling to grasp what it means to marry someone, be married, decide you don't want to be married, etc. We had company the other night and the first thing he said was, "My dad doesn't want to be married to mommy anymore. He moved out to go get married to another girl. He lives with her."
I'm sure it was more than our company bargained for when they said, "Hi Harry. How are you?" LOL
We're hanging in. It was nice that he came and drove the kids to school the other morning (when I called freaking out and gave him little choice...because I had little choice) but it gave us all false hope that he was actually starting to care. He never called that afternoon to check if they needed a ride, never called to see if Harrison was ok from the 104 fever and breathing treatments, and didn't offer them a ride this morning even knowing that with the extreme cold they couldn't walk to the stop and that I'm still sitting here with a sick kid. Ugghhh.

I'm so looking forward to a break this weekend. And then really looking forward to going to Alabama for a week! It is needed!!

Insanity

That's the only way to describe life now. LOL Well, at least I can laugh about it. I got to explain to my kids today that their dad finally wants to see them. He wants them to come stay with him AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND in their new place at the end of the month for 2 nights. Seeing Carlie's face turn red and the tears start streaming down was nearly more than I could take. So then she text her dad, "your girlfriend is STUPID." (which I had to leave the room after I realized what she did because I couldn't help but laugh.) And the extremely mature adult in the situation text her back, "Why would you call her stupid...you've never met her!" Nice.....MAYBE BECAUSE SHE IS ONLY 8 YEARS OLD AND YOU ARE BEING AN ASS!

Steady decline??

I should have walked out of the house. I should have ran up and down the stairs. But I didn't....I ended up loosing it and making 2 phone calls. Nice. There is really only so much a person can take. Tomorrow will be 50 days. I've had some friends step in and help here and there, but FIFTY DAYS without a co-parent or really close family nearby. I seriously do not know how people do this. I guess many people that do this don't have FOUR KIDS. This situation is just so unbelievably rediculous!!! Who has 4 children without a supportive partner? I DID NOT...THAT IS FOR SURE. I never went into this ever ever ever thinking that I would be doing it alone.
Well, apparantly 49 days is my breaking point. I called my husband tonight begging him to please give me a break...please step in and take care of his children for a night...or an afternoon...or a damn hour. Why can't he give them that? Why can't he give them one night a week? The phone call, of course, went no where. Which just pushed me further over the edge. I was sitting in the bathroom (my only hiding place and they find me anyway) sobbing....then I called his mom. I begged her to come help for the weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I did that, but it is what it is. I was loosing it. Everyone says, "call a friend". I just don't feel like I can call up someone and be like, you know...those kids I had...the ones I CHOSE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR for the rest of my life...well, yeah...I need a break from them and I think you should have to care for them for a night.
Well, I hope this works out and I hope I can get away for a minute. I need to be a good mom when I'm the only parent they have here. It is damn near impossible when I feel the way I do tonight.
I need to meet someone who has done this. And by done this I mean REALLY done this...multiple children and YOUNG children who aren't independent or teenagers yet. I need to find *that* community. I just need to look harder, because unfortunately they are likely there.
Once I get to the other side of this and the kids are bigger....it is serioulsy my mission to seek out moms who have been left behind with very young children and be a big presence in their life.

What a difference a day makes...

That. And all the other cliche phrases that used to mean nothing to me. "The holidays are hard" "Take it one day at a time" "Time heals all wounds" "What a difference a day makes" "To the left to the left..."

OK...LOL...That last one was just funny! For anyone left scratching their heads: Irreplaceable

So after a night away from home, we are all in much better moods today. The kids stayed up late and I know they'll go to bed very early tonight which is an added bonus. Well, maybe not Owen. He fell asleep after church and is STILL SLEEPING at 3pm. That could be a problem.

Better place.

We did make it to the store...behavior wasn't good enough to stop at the Old Dairy and use our gift card for lunch, but it was good enough that I let them come back home with me and didn't sell them to the highest bidder.

During my mini-breakdown this morning I called a friend who had invited us for dinner tonight. I told her that I wasn't feeling well and we couldn't come. The truth was I didn't want to be around people with my attitude reaching the upper limit of pissy-ville.
This afternoon I called her back and we decided that we are going to go and hang out and spend the night. A night away from home is just what is needed. I'm looking forward to some grown up conversation after the kids go to bed.

I promise I'm ok. I love that I have friends who are concerned and who pick up the phone. It makes me feel special :O) But I do feel bad that I may have freaked anyone out. I tend to joke about horrible situations and that is what gets me through. This blog is likely full of that if you dig deep. This is definitely the place to go to freak out because I like to pour it somewhere far from the kids.

Well....we are off to our sleepover (gave them their sleeping bags from Santa early and took all the credit for it myself!)

Innappropriate facebook status update...

Christine is....

extremely overwhelmed. OMG...MAKE THE VOICES STOP. MAKE THEM STOP. MAKE THEM STOP. I'm in tears because these sweet kids are just playing. They aren't doing anything wrong. They are just chattering and singing and playing in the background. I'm in a horrible horrible mood. I just don't want to hear any of it anymore. Owen got into your room...well then shut the m$th^* f#*ck!@g gate!!! I know we need to go to the store. I need to finish getting ready. Which means you need to stop asking me to do things and he needs to get dressed and that one needs to stop freaking crying and you over there...we need to call in your prescription inhaler because I'm a horrible mom because the inhaler has been on "zero" for God knows how long without me noticing as I just keep giving you puffs off of it.
I have no voice, I don't feel good, and I have cramps. I have had no break and I know that is MY OWN FAULT. I need to be more flexible about leaving youguys with someone. I need to get a freaking babysitter. At this point I'm loosing my mind and I think I'd just leave any responsible person here so that I could just walk out the door for one f$#ck*ng hour! And by responsible...I only mean not currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Criminal record negotiable.


Ok. I think I feel better. Now that is all out of my system, I need to go dress 2 more people and attempt to go to the store with their rowdy asses. This will likely make or break the situation.

Fun day!

The kids and I met a friend of mine in Galesburg this morning at the Children's museum. It was so much fun. That place is just cool! We all had a really great time...it was nice.
So much more I could type.............but I guess I should get back to my chores! This was my little mini coffee break.

All smiles here :) :) :) :) :)

Retraction

In my previous post me saying "there is no grandparent wanting to step in...." was not entirely accurate. There has been once where I really needed to make it to a meeting and my parents came the 30 miles to Macomb so I could do that. It was brought to my attention that I neglected to remember this.
I think more of my comment was the *wanting* part. Also, I never feel comfortable asking because it is considered such a big chore instead of a joy....I end up feeling guilty after it takes me a while just to get up the nerve to ask.
Just wanted to clear that up and this is the last I'll make reference to what grandparents do or do not do on my blog. I really wish, however, that people would stop making reference to how much *my crisis* is affecting *their life* when very little at all has been requested from them....to the point of the fact that they weren't even present at my home for a couple of weeks after *my crisi* initially happened.

Getting healthy...

I absolutely hate to ask for help. Even in the worst situations. My neighbor has seen this time and again when I've dragged 3 kids and a tiny baby out into a snowstorm after spending 20 minutes bundling them all and then another 15 minutes strapping them all into carseats just to make a 5 minute run to take Carlie to dance class. When I used to get back home, she would always be at her back door yelling, "WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK FOR HELP!?!? I COULD HAVE TAKEN HER!"

I've really had to get healthy about it with my current situation. I've had to ask some friends to help with the kids a couple of times. I try to make sure I'm also available to do the same for them.

I think this next week I'm going to have to step that up. I am really loosing my patience with them today. They aren't doing anything wrong...it is all me. I am with them 24/7. There is no break. There is no visitation. There is no grandparent wanting to step in and take them for a few hours...NOTHING. I need to do some basic stuff. The house is getting behind. I just can't keep up. I don't want to feel so iritated with them. It isn't their fault that I have no balance here. I shouldn't be staying up until idiot o'clock just to have some me time. It doesn't work...it just makes me tired and cranky in the morning.

Well, there was no point to this post really...rambling. Reminding myself that I'm going to have to ask for some help. Some time away from the kids. Or even some time here with the kids with someone else in charge so that I can clean the damn house. I think having things cleaned back up to our normal level would do a world of good for my attitude.