Much better place

Wow...yesterday was enlightening and alarming, but empowering. I'm in a much better place now and I know that I won't sit around and take crap.

Then last night was just fun. I got a little taste of life moving on and I liked it :)

I'm sure there are going to be hard days and helping the kids through their pain is a constant struggle, but I really feel like we've crossed some line in the sand where the emotional pain had hit its peak and we are on the downward slope.

A better place.

I still have no understanding of this situation or how he can just not call the kids to say goodnight. I think that is the HARDEST thing for me to wrap my brain around. I could never go 2 weeks without seeing them....how do you not call and talk to your own children?

Anyway...I'm in a better place tonight. Suprising considering the information I learned today. I think, in some ways, I've really separated myself from what he is doing. I have no control over this. I didn't ask for this. I don't deserve this. What I do deserve is to be happy...really happy.

What I do have control over is whether or not I let his actions suck the happiness out of my days...I can just choose not to. I will tell you, though, it is a struggle. I'm sure my friends that met us at the park today would have liked to have seen a shinier side of me than what they got. I'm getting better at it, though.

I have so much fun with the kids. I just can't imagine not wanting to be a part of that. I really believe I would be a bitter bitter person without them. They are so full of joy even in the midst of total crap. It's just impossible for that joy to not be contagious.

Collateral Damage

I understand that people decide to leave their spouses...I get it. I know that happens. I would have been devestated (as I am), but I would have eventually realized that he just didn't want to be that person anymore. As sudden as him leaving was and as well as everything in our lives was going, it would have still been shocking...shocking but a tiny bit understandable.
I will NEVER EVER EVER understand this ride he has taken the kids on. I just love that Owen is oblivious to everything. Owen and I were dancing together listening to music and vacuuming the living room and I was just sooo happy. I'm so thankful that I can find joy in our daily lives still. Apparantly the love between a mother and her child really can overpower anything.
I know Carlie isn't completely fine. She is having issues with riding the bus now....who could blame her when it goes right by where he is staying! Overall, however, she has just stopped asking questions about him and has completely and totally jumped on the we're going to be ok wagon with me...she is such a team player.
Harry and Sam are still having a hard time. I think it is because it affected Carlie the worst in the beginning because she is older and understood more. Sam is becoming less affected and is not as overwhelmingly sad...he is just very matter of fact about how much this sucks. Harry is having the hardest time. He had such a delayed reaction...I guess because he is only 4. It took a while for this to sink into him as a permanent situation.
Tonight at bedtime he was crying so much. I just laid next to him and held him. There really isn't anything I can do. Once I realized that I have been able to comfort the kids much more without having my heart shatter into a million pieces. I held him and he sobbed and he said over and over and over, "I want Dad. I want Dad to come home. I wish Dad didn't leave. I want Dad to come home." Every so often I try to help him find the end...I explain to him that I am here and I love him more than he can imagine. Tonight he told me again that he didn't care about himself because Dad left. I reminded him how much we all care about him and told him that I wished he would care about himself again...he is soooo worth of that care! He told me that he hopes one day Daddy goes to heaven and says he is sorry. (Right....Can you believe a 4 year old is capable of thinking so deeply.) I told him and Sam both that I promised that one day Dad would realize how much he is missing and he would most definitely be sorry. He just kept saying over and over again that he hopes Dad says he is sorry when he goes to heaven.
Then as Harry was calming down, Sam told me that he wished I had magical powers and could put a spell on Dad's brain and make him come home. I said, "If I had magical powers I would put a spell on your brains so that you would never be sad!" His reply was that he wouldn't want that because if he wasn't sad then Dad wouldn't know how much he cares.

These kids.....I don't know what to say. Of course I am biased, but I think they are some of the most intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful, loving, wonderful children I have ever come in contact with. They are so forgiving, compassionate, understanding....it is truely amazing and they make me a better person for knowing them. I am so so SO very thankful that I had children. I could never imagine my life without them and would never for a second wish that I hadn't had them.

Let me count the ways...

This post has been building in my head since last night. First I was thinking of all the ways he is making my life suck...you have NO IDEA what kind of suckage there is at times. Then, I felt much healthier and thought about how much joy is still in my life that he can't take away. I thought of how he is missing out on that joy and I was counting all the wonderful things he is missing. Now, I'm back to bitter-ville and am thinking of the many many things I am SO BEYOND PISSED OFF ABOUT IT ISN'T EVEN FUNNY!
I was still in the mode of almost feeling sorry for his sorry ass because of how much wonderful-ness he is missing out on when the kids got home from school. They were sitting at the table eating when Carlie said, "Our bus goes by where Dad is staying." I can't imagine that feels good for them....to drive past this dump of a house and know that Dad is choosing to stay somewhere other than with them. Tonight at bedtime, I'm wiping away all the tears and Harrison's mouth is turned down into the biggest frown. It just looks painful. Big crocodile tears are welling up in his eyes and he says in his little 4 year old voice, "I wish Daddy would yive here...I just wish Daddy would yive here!" (he makes the y sound for the l sound...so that yive is live.)
I was hurting for them and for me so much, but now I just feel so much anger tonight. I am so angry for all the ways our lives have had to and will continue to have to change.
We both spent years working so hard for this life with the kids. We worked so hard to provide them with a stable, happy home. I read tons of materials on parenting and made really educated decisions about everything from the time they were conceived on. Now I have kids that walk 2 blocks away where I can't even see them and load up onto a bus that drives past the house their Daddy is shacking up at with some....um.....(I just can't say the word woman because there are SO MANY OTHER WORDS THAT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE SUITABLE BUT THAT I WON'T PUT ON MY BLOG.) Then they get deposited at school...away from me....when we were loving homeschooling...because I mentally can't do anything more than meet their basic needs right now.

I don't think he has any idea how much this has affected them and has affected me. I am so pissed that he gets to lounge around and do whatever the hell he wants while I am here doing EVERY LITTLE AND BIG THING. There is so much to do that sometimes I collapse over a huge pile of laundry and just start crying because there is no way I could ever dig to the top of the "to-do" list. And, yes, I realize things need to be let go. I can't let go of meeting their basic needs and keeping the house clean enough that it isn't hazzardous to Owen who is walking around everywhere. And another thing - THIS ISN'T HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN!
I get so mad thinking about how he made this choice, we didn't. And we are powerless. He is calling the shots...whether or not he answers his phone when we need him, whether or not he is willing to pick up the kids from an activity because it is way past the baby's bedtime and he has been crying non-stop all day from teething (yeah...he is NOT WILLING), he gets to say "I'll let you know" EVERY DAMN TIME I ask him when he would like to see the kids. I hope he is enjoying this little power trip because it has an expiration date.
One day this will all be settled and a judge will be calling the shots.
I'm also pissed about the fact that I look back and think of the times he very likely lied to me. The night before he left when he was supposedly on a "change of duty" to train with the dog....yeah, right! I'm sure.

I'm just so angry tonight. Chocolate doesn't help anger...it helps sad.

Blog down the pooper

This blog is about to start getting dark. I need a place to get out the things the kids say because their words are just eating me alive. Facebook needs to be a fun place. I'm sure people can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before they are like, "For the love of GOD, WOMAN!!!" I know it is sappy and sad and sucks. There are some fun things about our days too...its just right now they SUCK SO BAD.

Tonight, as I was tucking Sam (6) in he said the normal, "I miss Dad" while he was wiping back tears and trying not to cry. I always say, "I know. I'm sorry. I miss Dad too." Then tonight he said, "I'm kind of getting used to Dad being gone. Sometimes, I forget I ever even had a Dad. Then I remember. But then sometimes, it's like I forget what Dad looks like." and then he started really crying.

I know a family member has told me that the kids "know how to play me". This is NOT what is going on. They are getting nothing from this. There is no benefit for them. It just sucks. Also, I'm glad they are talking. I don't want them to ever feel like they can't share their feelings....good and bad...with me.

It is just really craptastic that my kids who have always been innocent and full of joy have to feel these heavy deep dark feelings. Like when Harry (4) tells me that he doesn't care about himself and wants to play in the street and get smashed by a car.

The good news is that I see them getting a little better. And like Sam said...they are getting used to it. I feel them clinging to me a little harder, looking for approval a little more, and wanting me to very clearly explain any and all of my plans (especially if they involve leaving the house). I can give that to them.

Crazy sad...

Pretending your family does not exist is all kinds of crazy. Deleting your baby's picture from your facebook page is crazy sad. People have asked me if he is on drugs...I have no idea. They have asked if maybe he has a brain tumor...I'd like to think that something outrageous is making him behave this way. I'd like to think it isn't just the fact that THIS IS WHO HE IS and somehow I've missed that for the past 12 years.

I don't know what the future is going to bring. I do know that I have 4 amazing kids and for that I do not regret anything. They bring me intense joy even in my darkest moments. The ways they have grown in the last 2 weeks has left me feeling sad (that they had to) and proud (that they could). They are truely amazing kids. I'm watching them go from confusion and tears to being able to verbalize how they are feeling and being confident enough to ask questions. Demand answers, babies, you are worth it!

The line that I teeter on and don't know how to navigate is the one in which what I want for them and what I want to protect them from are all the same.

Hurt

There is alot of hurt in our house right now. It has been 9 days since Bill left. I think the kids are doing better. I think tonight was the first night no one cried at bedtime...but I saw the tears in Sam's eyes. I also think it would help if he would just call them and say goodnight. I will never understand as long as I live how he can justify his behavior toward them right now.

We are trying to keep moving forward and keep doing the things that need to be done. In the middle of our day to day things, however, one of them will say something that almost brings me to my knees with grief. They are so innocent. Their little minds are trying to comprehend why he left so abruptly and why he is not seeing or talking to them. I would like to help them understand but I just don't have the words to say. I don't know what to say.

They ask questions that I don't know the answers to. Carlie has started getting quiet about it all. I let her know that she can talk to me. I'm trying to encourage her to email her Dad her feelings so that she knows she has a voice in this and that her voice is worthy of being heard. She has grown up a ton in the past 9 days. She is old enough to see when I am struggling. I almost broke down the other night when I went to tuck her in and there, on the dresser beside her bed, was a picture of a very young Bill holding a wrapped up and wet newborn Carlie. (I don't even know where she found that picture, but she obviously had dug for it.)

I assure the kids that everyone loves them and that I am most definitely not going anywhere. Still, I see that is a fear of theirs. I'm sure they never imagined him leaving them either. Yesterday when I had to run a quick errand and my brother came over to see the kids for a minute, Harrison said, "What do you mean leave? Are you LEAVING the house?" I just want to weep that he feels the need to make me define "leave" like that. When I was near my breaking point the other day and was trying not to say anything that would scare them or make them hurt worse, I just exclaimed, "OH! I wish I could just be a kid for a whole day!!" Then Sam said, "I bet you wish Daddy would come back so you could be the one who leaves."

NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, Sam! I NEVER wish I could leave you. There is nothing in this world that would make me wish that. I told him, "No. I would never want to leave. I just want to get to be a kid and not worry about this grown up stuff. I want to play video games with you and read books all day long."

I know that I have my own grief to deal with over this, but I think this paints the picture of why I can't even get to that yet.