Reflection

It has been two years since I was sweeping the floor and my husband walked in and dropped a bombshell. He had a bag packed and was gone within 15 minutes forever changing everything.
It has been two years since I was left alone to explain to four kids who woke up wondering where their daddy was that he had left. Explaining a left that didn't just mean "left for donuts" or "left for work" was an excruciating experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone to do alone.
That morning is forever burned in my memories. It was then, huddled together in my bed, that we became a new family: the ones who were left, the ones who would cling together, the ones who would make a better life.
I've been looking at the couple months of blog posts I wrote around that time....these brief flashbulb memories show me how far we have come in the last 2 years.....Here are some of the ones that really stand out.....


"I still have no understanding of this situation or how he can just not call the kids to say goodnight. (They are sobbing for him.) I think that is the HARDEST part...how do you go months not talking to your own children?!?"

"Daddy hasn't seen us in so long we can't remember what he looks like....sometimes I forget I had a dad. Then I remember and am sad."

"I fully believe that there is something better waiting for us somewhere." (There has to be.)

"I assure the kids that everyone loves them and that I am most definitely not going anywhere. Still, I see that is a fear of theirs. I'm sure they never imagined him leaving them either....when I was near my breaking point the other day and was trying not to say anything that would scare them or make them hurt worse, I just exclaimed, 'OH! I wish I could just be a kid for a whole day!!' Sam looked at me and said, 'I bet you wish Daddy would come back so you could be the one who leaves.' NO! No, no, no, no, no Sam. I never wish I could leave you. Nothing in the world would make me wish that!"

"There are some bad people in the world, but for the most part people are really good and really caring and loving and compassionate and empathetic. I want my kids to realize that the portion of the world who doesn't care is sooooo tiny compared to the portion that does. And I want them to be in that bigger portion with me."

"I love you. I love Dad. I love Dad as much as God loves Dad. Even if Dad hates me, I still love Dad..............I held him and promised him no one could ever hate him. I laid there, holding his sobbing little body, and feeling my heart turn colder and colder towards this person who is hurting my babies!"

A poem I wrote to them a couple months later...

Baby just keep your smile
I'm gonna do my best for you
I know it will take a while
I promise to get you through
You are my world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one
There's darkness in this life
I'll always be by your side
Please don't crumble in strife
the joy in us has not died.
You are m world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one
If you have doubt just look to my eyes
I know we will be fine
To me you all are the prize
I still see that light that you shine
You are my world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one


I hope that in the last two years I have held up that promise. There are still issues. There always will be. And even though they see him a couple of times a year now, none of them have been comfortable enough telling him their true feelings about how much he hurt them.
They have seen me cry, loose my temper, and be bitter. But each time they have seen me bounce back up and teach them how to persevere, how to love, and what is truly important. They are.