Indescribable

As it gets closer to Christmas Owen has been talking more and more about "my dad". For example I can tell him something and he will say, "No...MY DAD says..." I try to just let it go. He tells people "My dad told me...." or "My dad taught me that." HE HASN'T SEEN HIS DAD SINCE HE WAS ONE! It is so hard to just smile at him and keep on trucking. I feel punched in the stomach.
What is killing me is that his dad is like his imaginary friend. He doesn't know anything about his dad. Sometimes I will show him pictures of Bill holding him when he was a baby or I will tell him "the story" which goes like this (in a very matter of fact tone):

When you were a tiny baby we all lived in one house. Me, your dad, Carlie, Sam, Harry, and you. Then your dad decided to live in a different house and we decided to live in Alabama. Your dad lives in Illinois. That is where Nana and Grandpa live too. You will go visit your dad at Christmas.

So now as Christmas is almost here he says this one bazillion times a day, "I go see my dad at Christmas! My dad is super cool. I bet he is cool. It be awesome. I love my dad." and then sometimes....just because the universe feels like twisting the knot in my stomach so hard I actually start to throw up he adds at the very end of his speech..."Who my dad?"

I'm excited for him. This is good for him to go and I just keep praying and praying that it will be a good situation, he will feel comforted and safe, and he will LITERALLY be safe and comforted. But as his excitement gets bigger and bigger so does the knot in my stomach. For him, though, I'll keep smiling and acting like this is all perfectly normal. Just another part of our story.