Heavily Medicated

Over the past few days I have had all these ideas I have wanted to write about. Let me first warn you...I'm on some heafty pain medications. Yes, the person who will pass out after taking half a dayquil tablet....and the person who was once so against medicating that she shoved a 10 pound baby out of her body with out so much as a tylenol....and the person who nearly DIED because she thought bleeding to death at home made perfect sense and her body would "handle it". This person changed. One day she had to realize that there are medications out there (like the glorious Xanax) that help you cope with the total bullshit life throws at you. For example, instead of bawling your eyes out because you hear your children's bus coming down the road...you can calmly welcome your children home with a snack and a helping hand with homework. Yep. That's better. Take 2 and call me in the morning.
So now when I am in serious pain, I admit it and accept whatever the doctor wants to write on that pretty little white pad of his. This week I have been dealing with the most insanely intense pain I believe I've ever had (including that 10 lb incident I spoke of earlier). It is unreal and has pushed me nearly over the edge. I saw my dentist who said that I have an infection all around one of my wisdom teeth and in my throat and glands and pretty much whole right side of my head. I am on antibiotics and got to experience a narcotic pain med for the first time. I have to say, it works. But, by taking it, I pretty much am saying "this day...yeah....this day is over. I can hear you but I can't form words or move my body." I clearly can't take care of my kids in that state.
Benita and Chop have taken care of the kids for two days so I could medicate, sleep, medicate, sleep and I was just slightly improved this morning when she called that EVERYONE IS PUKING AND I MUST GET THEM AND TAKE THEM HOME THIS MINUTE. I think Benita and Chop reached their limit when one of them had to drive to the school to retrieve a puking child while the other had to sit by a puking child who had it coming out both ends. They did not sign up for that shit!
The kids and I are back at our house and somehow we are managing. When you become a single parent, not only do you learn to accept help in the form of physical help or a pretty little script for happy pills...you also learn to reserve something deep down inside yourself no matter how bad the situation around you gets.
At any moment, no matter how sick or how much pain you are in and no matter how much help it appears you have you MAY have to rely on that little energy ball that you reserved in there and put the super hero cape on and power through the vommit and the tornadoes (yes...there was that too) and the lortab coma and git 'er done.
In one week we will be loading up a truck and moving all our stuff back to Illinois. I have faith that we will be better in a week and everything will run smoothly. I have to. Otherwise I would fall to pieces right now.
What I wanted to write about before I rambled on (thank you pain meds) with all of that was that I've put alot of thought into my New Year's Resolutions. I know it is almost the END of January. I actually had thought of them around the new year, but needed to marinate in it a while, try it on for size, see how it looked on my ass.

Here are some loosely drawn resolutions. I'd love to look back in a year and see how well I've done with them.

1. Stop trying to prove I "can do it". I have done it. Accept moments where life gets a little easier. Easy doesn't mean failure.

2. That one cigarette a day....cut it out. Its stupid and gross.

3. Accept that you are not on a diet and that this is your lifestyle. If you want to be the size you are this IS YOUR LIFESTYLE. It is not in your genetics to be a small person. IF you want to be a small person it has to be a lifestyle choice and not ever a temporary "diet".

4. Take the relationships in your life at face value. If someone is not something to you right now know than they likely never will be and move on. Don't toy around with the idea. Don't be on the edge of someone's life.

5. On the flip side of that, love like you've never been hurt.

6. You've got this living under your means thing down. You've got this minimalist who is utterly broke thing down. Now make some plans to save....save like you've never saved before. Save for your future... and plan an amazing future.


Things that I don't really call a resolution because I'm already doing them and I'm proud of it and want to keep it up:

1. Look at each challenge and each impossible situation and realize you have it under control. No longer do you think back to how much easier it would have been with a full time partner. No longer do you feel defeated and angry that "he" isn't having to handle these things. Now you just handle them and get stronger each time.

2. Create as many adventures as possible to enjoy with the kids.