Well, I have cut this to the wire. I said I would write tonight and it is now 11:06 pm and I still haven't done it. Kind of like I put off making this decision. There were so many factors I kept considering and wondering what people would think of this or that...then I realized I just can't. I can only worry about the 5 people it ultimately effects.
The kids and I will be moving back to Illinois the beginning of next month! All the Illinois poeple say "YEAH!!!"...all the Alabama people say "YEAH!!!" ???? what? you were supposed to say "BOOOO!!!!"
I know we are loved and that is what made this decision so difficult to make. I couldn't love my job or the people I work with more. I really couldn't. I feel like they became immediate family in such a short amount of time. Also, words can not describe what Benita, Chop, Betty, and Randy have done to help me survive the last two years.
The bottom line is we can no longer afford to do this. I left a great paying job because my salary was nothing by the time I paid for childcare and gas. I am at a low paying job near home that I love but I live check to check by the time I pay for rent at a place that I barely can stand to live.
I want better for all of us and I think we can find that by moving back to Illinois...not to mention I miss my friends TERRIBLY.
My mom and dad have bought a new house and there is an entire main level (they will live in the finished lower level) that is more than enough room for me and the kids to live much more comfortably that we do now. We will be able to live expense free while I find the job that I need to have. Without the cost of overhead (rent, utilities, afterschool care - my brother can get the kids off the bus for me until I get home) I will be able to save for us to have a future. Right now the future past the next electric bill is always uncertain. That is not acceptable.
So, when my mind is all over the place I do better with lists.
1. I am excited about this move.
2. The kids are excited about this move.
3. Will their dad be in their lives? I don't know. I think so...somewhat. This will not hurt them as much as before because before they had 100% expectation from how he had been when he lived with us. Now they have 0% expectation.
4. Can I live with my mom? We have talked alot about this....her and I have both grown alot since the hard times we have had in the past. We have both discussed the benefits we each get from it as well as the challenges it will present.
I know that alot of people will have opinions about this. A while back I had thought to myself...oh Lord...what if I somehow had an unexpected pregnancy at this insane time in my life...single parenting four already. A non-participatory father to them. How would people react!?!?! I had thought at the time, if that ever happened I would just make peace with it on my own and then I would let everyone else know that I was happy and that unless they had something positive to say please keep it to themselves because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE I'M HANGING ON BY A THREAD!!!!!!
Well, there is NO baby to announce (do not misconstrue this message) but my sentiment is kind of the same. Please be positive and excited for us. That is how we live our lives. Yes...shit happened in the last two years. Shit happened that I never thought I'd let happen again, but it did. I have picked myself up from that and made tough choices. This is another tough choice. I was once told there are no right and wrong choices in life...there are just choices and then you live with them.
I feel positive about this one. I ask that everyone who is truely my friend please PLEASE do not question me (even if you think you are merely asking questions)...it hurts and makes me second guess myself. And please PLEASE understand that you can not imagine the thought I have put into this decision so yes ....i really have thought of x, y, or z that you may feel the need to bring up. I hope that doesn't sound shitty. I'm not quite to the point of yelling FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE I'M HANGING ON BY A THREAD!!! but I do feel like since their dad walked away I have been living in survival mode nearly constantly. I am looking forward to this as a very hopeful step of not having to live that way any longer.
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8 comments:
Dad, Steve and I are very excited about you and the children moving in with us. We realized immediately, we would enjoy our new home so much more with you and the children living there with us. It has been so much fun choosing things to decorate the children's rooms, as well as my bathroom with you. I can't wait to continue making this house our home. Which room should we decorate next?
And just between you and I, I don't believe I could physically take care of everything without you. Or even get the kitchen set up. As you know, my oranges and beer diet doesn't require much of the kitchen! LOL
Christine, I am so happy for you. People with two parents involved and children have hard times sometimes but growing up with a single parent for part of my life and 3 sibling and also experiencing hard times I admire you so much for how much you love those kids and devote so much of yourself to them. This decision must have just scared you to death but just know that as long as God has given you that peace then you can't worry about what others say or think. I wish you and your family all the best! We will miss you!
I learned a long time ago to listen to your heart. . .you are a mom. . .they are your #1. . enough said!! I wish the best for you. Good luck!!!
Good luck pottymoma, take care of those kids and yourself. It was a pleasure to get to know you all.
Smiling in Florida
Smiling big here in Florida. You know you always have a getaway house if you ever need it. Love you and so excited
Good luck to you, and enjoy being near your family!!!!! We are now in England.
You rock! I love reading your blog posts. You're really amazing.
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