Pottymomma says...

Heavily Medicated

2012-01-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days I have had all these ideas I have wanted to write about. Let me first warn you...I'm on some heafty pain medications. Yes, the person who will pass out after taking half a dayquil tablet....and the person who was once so against medicating that she shoved a 10 pound baby out of her body with out so much as a tylenol....and the person who nearly DIED because she thought bleeding to death at home made perfect sense and her body would "handle it". This person changed. One day she had to realize that there are medications out there (like the glorious Xanax) that help you cope with the total bullshit life throws at you. For example, instead of bawling your eyes out because you hear your children's bus coming down the road...you can calmly welcome your children home with a snack and a helping hand with homework. Yep. That's better. Take 2 and call me in the morning.
So now when I am in serious pain, I admit it and accept whatever the doctor wants to write on that pretty little white pad of his. This week I have been dealing with the most insanely intense pain I believe I've ever had (including that 10 lb incident I spoke of earlier). It is unreal and has pushed me nearly over the edge. I saw my dentist who said that I have an infection all around one of my wisdom teeth and in my throat and glands and pretty much whole right side of my head. I am on antibiotics and got to experience a narcotic pain med for the first time. I have to say, it works. But, by taking it, I pretty much am saying "this day...yeah....this day is over. I can hear you but I can't form words or move my body." I clearly can't take care of my kids in that state.
Benita and Chop have taken care of the kids for two days so I could medicate, sleep, medicate, sleep and I was just slightly improved this morning when she called that EVERYONE IS PUKING AND I MUST GET THEM AND TAKE THEM HOME THIS MINUTE. I think Benita and Chop reached their limit when one of them had to drive to the school to retrieve a puking child while the other had to sit by a puking child who had it coming out both ends. They did not sign up for that shit!
The kids and I are back at our house and somehow we are managing. When you become a single parent, not only do you learn to accept help in the form of physical help or a pretty little script for happy pills...you also learn to reserve something deep down inside yourself no matter how bad the situation around you gets.
At any moment, no matter how sick or how much pain you are in and no matter how much help it appears you have you MAY have to rely on that little energy ball that you reserved in there and put the super hero cape on and power through the vommit and the tornadoes (yes...there was that too) and the lortab coma and git 'er done.
In one week we will be loading up a truck and moving all our stuff back to Illinois. I have faith that we will be better in a week and everything will run smoothly. I have to. Otherwise I would fall to pieces right now.
What I wanted to write about before I rambled on (thank you pain meds) with all of that was that I've put alot of thought into my New Year's Resolutions. I know it is almost the END of January. I actually had thought of them around the new year, but needed to marinate in it a while, try it on for size, see how it looked on my ass.

Here are some loosely drawn resolutions. I'd love to look back in a year and see how well I've done with them.

1. Stop trying to prove I "can do it". I have done it. Accept moments where life gets a little easier. Easy doesn't mean failure.

2. That one cigarette a day....cut it out. Its stupid and gross.

3. Accept that you are not on a diet and that this is your lifestyle. If you want to be the size you are this IS YOUR LIFESTYLE. It is not in your genetics to be a small person. IF you want to be a small person it has to be a lifestyle choice and not ever a temporary "diet".

4. Take the relationships in your life at face value. If someone is not something to you right now know than they likely never will be and move on. Don't toy around with the idea. Don't be on the edge of someone's life.

5. On the flip side of that, love like you've never been hurt.

6. You've got this living under your means thing down. You've got this minimalist who is utterly broke thing down. Now make some plans to save....save like you've never saved before. Save for your future... and plan an amazing future.

Things that I don't really call a resolution because I'm already doing them and I'm proud of it and want to keep it up:

1. Look at each challenge and each impossible situation and realize you have it under control. No longer do you think back to how much easier it would have been with a full time partner. No longer do you feel defeated and angry that "he" isn't having to handle these things. Now you just handle them and get stronger each time.

2. Create as many adventures as possible to enjoy with the kids.

Let it be

2012-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

I was laying across my bed flipping through a book I'm about to start, checking facebook on my phone, just listening to the noises of kids settling down for the night. They were wandering around playing with cars, getting on the computer, reading, brushing their teeth. Somehow I dozed off for a minute and was in one of those places where you can be deeply asleep even though it is only for a time span of about 90 seconds. I felt someone by my face and opened my eyes to see Harrison's confused look. He asked me "Can I tell you anything?" I assured him that of course he could tell me anything. He said, "Are you sure...really anything?" I again told him that he could tell me ANYTHING AT ALL. He waited until Owen left the room and leaned down and whispered in my ear, "I don't like dad."
What do you say...
For a moment I was struck with all the "shoulds". I should encourage him to like his dad. I should tell him all the wonderful things his dad did for him as a baby and young child. I should tell him how much his dad loves him.
I was still kind of out of it from the deep dozing I had fallen into. I just looked at his face and saw his guilt. I decided the best thing for him at that moment was to let him have that emotion. Let it be.
I told him that it is ok to not like someone sometimes. We don't have to like everyone. We can love people and still not like them. We can love people and not like things that they have done. We can look at people who have done things that make us not like them and choose to live our lives different.
He said, "I'm not going to be like dad."
I hugged him and told him that he was going to be an amazing person. I also told him his dad loves him. I wish like hell for him that his dad could find someway to make him believe that. Maybe in moving back to Illinois that will at some point happen. Maybe it won't. Either way, I choose to let it be. I am not responsible for his relationship with his children. It took me many many MANY years to realize that. I am only responsible for my relationship with MY children. If they hurt because of him I can't erase that but I can allow them to feel the way they feel and not tell them ever how they "should" feel because....really, how "should" any of us FEEL.

The promised announcement

2012-01-06T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I have cut this to the wire. I said I would write tonight and it is now 11:06 pm and I still haven't done it. Kind of like I put off making this decision. There were so many factors I kept considering and wondering what people would think of this or that...then I realized I just can't. I can only worry about the 5 people it ultimately effects.
The kids and I will be moving back to Illinois the beginning of next month! All the Illinois poeple say "YEAH!!!"...all the Alabama people say "YEAH!!!" ???? what? you were supposed to say "BOOOO!!!!"
I know we are loved and that is what made this decision so difficult to make. I couldn't love my job or the people I work with more. I really couldn't. I feel like they became immediate family in such a short amount of time. Also, words can not describe what Benita, Chop, Betty, and Randy have done to help me survive the last two years.
The bottom line is we can no longer afford to do this. I left a great paying job because my salary was nothing by the time I paid for childcare and gas. I am at a low paying job near home that I love but I live check to check by the time I pay for rent at a place that I barely can stand to live.
I want better for all of us and I think we can find that by moving back to Illinois...not to mention I miss my friends TERRIBLY.
My mom and dad have bought a new house and there is an entire main level (they will live in the finished lower level) that is more than enough room for me and the kids to live much more comfortably that we do now. We will be able to live expense free while I find the job that I need to have. Without the cost of overhead (rent, utilities, afterschool care - my brother can get the kids off the bus for me until I get home) I will be able to save for us to have a future. Right now the future past the next electric bill is always uncertain. That is not acceptable.
So, when my mind is all over the place I do better with lists.

1. I am excited about this move.
2. The kids are excited about this move.
3. Will their dad be in their lives? I don't know. I think so...somewhat. This will not hurt them as much as before because before they had 100% expectation from how he had been when he lived with us. Now they have 0% expectation.
4. Can I live with my mom? We have talked alot about this....her and I have both grown alot since the hard times we have had in the past. We have both discussed the benefits we each get from it as well as the challenges it will present.

I know that alot of people will have opinions about this. A while back I had thought to myself...oh Lord...what if I somehow had an unexpected pregnancy at this insane time in my life...single parenting four already. A non-participatory father to them. How would people react!?!?! I had thought at the time, if that ever happened I would just make peace with it on my own and then I would let everyone else know that I was happy and that unless they had something positive to say please keep it to themselves because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE I'M HANGING ON BY A THREAD!!!!!!

Well, there is NO baby to announce (do not misconstrue this message) but my sentiment is kind of the same. Please be positive and excited for us. That is how we live our lives. Yes...shit happened in the last two years. Shit happened that I never thought I'd let happen again, but it did. I have picked myself up from that and made tough choices. This is another tough choice. I was once told there are no right and wrong choices in life...there are just choices and then you live with them.
I feel positive about this one. I ask that everyone who is truely my friend please PLEASE do not question me (even if you think you are merely asking questions)...it hurts and makes me second guess myself. And please PLEASE understand that you can not imagine the thought I have put into this decision so yes ....i really have thought of x, y, or z that you may feel the need to bring up. I hope that doesn't sound shitty. I'm not quite to the point of yelling FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE I'M HANGING ON BY A THREAD!!! but I do feel like since their dad walked away I have been living in survival mode nearly constantly. I am looking forward to this as a very hopeful step of not having to live that way any longer.

2011

2011-12-30T19:34:00.000-08:00

I'm having a beer, way too much guacamole, and thinking about 2011. How poetic, huh? All in all it was a good year. Here's a brief recap.

January - we all couldn't wait, couldn't wait, couldn't wait for Jason to come home
February - we were all soooooo happy when Jason came home and we could be a family
March - this thing with Jason is...um....challenging
April - this thing with Jason is not tolerable
May - we got an apartment
June - I worked so much I don't remember our summer but I think we swam sometimes.
July - the kids spent most of July in Illinois
August - I quit my job because I like to see my own kids sometimes
September - wow we were effing broke
October - I started working at the library! yeah!
November - we went to the beach
December - reflecting on the last year and making some BIG decisions about the next one

It seems like it has been a really uneventful year even though we moved, I changed jobs, and the kids were....well four kids.
I will say, however, I'm totally getting this single mom thing down. I complain about how hard it is way less often and the kids have started realizing that I am one person and they need to stop expecting impossible shit. I miss them being babies but the older they get the funner they get. I miss our old family traditions and Christmas newsletters, and two parent home sometimes but I'm finding it is less and less often. I spent way more time making new traditions and having WAY MORE FUN with the kids.

Some of my favorite highlights of the last year have been....
when the kids each in their own way showed me that moving out of Jason's was the exact right decision

Harry (after being gone to Illinois for 3 weeks) flopping down to the carpet and kissing our apartment

our Tuesday night Zaxby's tradition

letterboxing and especially the Cheeha mountain trip

watching them play Cowboys and Indians with a bunch of kids one night at a friend's house outside in the dark

the whole "ass" conversation on the way to dinner one night

how cool they think it is that I work at the library

Owen snuggling in Sam's

Sam reading so much I can't even comprehend it

Carlie growing up and becomming less one of the kids and more one of the grown ups

Indescribable

2011-12-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

As it gets closer to Christmas Owen has been talking more and more about "my dad". For example I can tell him something and he will say, "No...MY DAD says..." I try to just let it go. He tells people "My dad told me...." or "My dad taught me that." HE HASN'T SEEN HIS DAD SINCE HE WAS ONE! It is so hard to just smile at him and keep on trucking. I feel punched in the stomach.
What is killing me is that his dad is like his imaginary friend. He doesn't know anything about his dad. Sometimes I will show him pictures of Bill holding him when he was a baby or I will tell him "the story" which goes like this (in a very matter of fact tone):

When you were a tiny baby we all lived in one house. Me, your dad, Carlie, Sam, Harry, and you. Then your dad decided to live in a different house and we decided to live in Alabama. Your dad lives in Illinois. That is where Nana and Grandpa live too. You will go visit your dad at Christmas.

So now as Christmas is almost here he says this one bazillion times a day, "I go see my dad at Christmas! My dad is super cool. I bet he is cool. It be awesome. I love my dad." and then sometimes....just because the universe feels like twisting the knot in my stomach so hard I actually start to throw up he adds at the very end of his speech..."Who my dad?"

I'm excited for him. This is good for him to go and I just keep praying and praying that it will be a good situation, he will feel comforted and safe, and he will LITERALLY be safe and comforted. But as his excitement gets bigger and bigger so does the knot in my stomach. For him, though, I'll keep smiling and acting like this is all perfectly normal. Just another part of our story.

Random thoughts

2011-12-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

I am wasting sleep time on the computer.

I miss people in Illinois but I hear it snowed and that sucks.

Faking a smile and decorating with the kids for a holiday that I won't get to spend with them is more than heartbreaking.

The ex...still hate him. Alot.

But in church the other day the preacher talked about hate and I realized I don't think I hate him. I really really pitty him. He has a really really shitty life and he doesn't even know it.

Because he misses out on things like Owen telling me I am more comfortable than his bed and falling asleep curled up on my lap like an overgrown lap dog.

When I mention church I can't help but hear the song "They say Jesus he drank wine and I bet we'd get along just fine" go through my head. (Jesus loves me and my tattoos.)

I need to find an affordable place to live that doesn't make me feel like I am paying every dime I have to live in a "luxery" apartment that really feels like living in the projects.

My hair is dirty and I need to wash it tomorrow.

The things you just don't say outloud

2011-11-21T11:00:00.000-08:00

I think my head may explode if I don't start getting some of this out. This isn't the kind of stuff you just go around saying, but here goes:

I'm sick of being solo. I miss having a full family....mom, kids, and MAN. I miss taking care of a house and taking care of a man and fixing dinner for someone that appreciates that. I miss looking forward to getting the kids to bed because there is someone there I want to spend time with. I miss those suggestive looks...like "wait til I get these kids to bed and see what I have planned for you!"
To any of my friends (and there are a few) who think it would be much better on your own...I have to say this:
Sometimes it is better on your own. I don't want to be with someone who has zero personality, can't laugh at my jokes, and always looks at me and my children like he wishes we would all morph into something else. I don't want to be with someone who pushes my buttons just to see me get upset and then mocks me for having any emotions. I don't want to be with someone who plays sick mind games like that. I feel for you if you are with that kind of person and yes...then maybe it is better to be on your own. I have made decisions to leave situations like that.
But really, it is not better on your own. I want someone on my side. Someone to have my back. Someone to start and finish days with. When something insane happens like the applesauce jar flies through the air and lands butt side down on the floor without a drop spilling anywhere, I want to look over at someone and say, "holy shit! Did you see that?"
Basically the silence at night is getting deafening. And as nice as this apartment is it feels like an oversized hotel room.
This sounds depressing. I'm not. I love being with my kids and I really love my new job. I just am so ready for so much more.

Reflection

2011-10-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

It has been two years since I was sweeping the floor and my husband walked in and dropped a bombshell. He had a bag packed and was gone within 15 minutes forever changing everything.
It has been two years since I was left alone to explain to four kids who woke up wondering where their daddy was that he had left. Explaining a left that didn't just mean "left for donuts" or "left for work" was an excruciating experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone to do alone.
That morning is forever burned in my memories. It was then, huddled together in my bed, that we became a new family: the ones who were left, the ones who would cling together, the ones who would make a better life.
I've been looking at the couple months of blog posts I wrote around that time....these brief flashbulb memories show me how far we have come in the last 2 years.....Here are some of the ones that really stand out.....

"I still have no understanding of this situation or how he can just not call the kids to say goodnight. (They are sobbing for him.) I think that is the HARDEST part...how do you go months not talking to your own children?!?"

"Daddy hasn't seen us in so long we can't remember what he looks like....sometimes I forget I had a dad. Then I remember and am sad."

"I fully believe that there is something better waiting for us somewhere." (There has to be.)

"I assure the kids that everyone loves them and that I am most definitely not going anywhere. Still, I see that is a fear of theirs. I'm sure they never imagined him leaving them either....when I was near my breaking point the other day and was trying not to say anything that would scare them or make them hurt worse, I just exclaimed, 'OH! I wish I could just be a kid for a whole day!!' Sam looked at me and said, 'I bet you wish Daddy would come back so you could be the one who leaves.' NO! No, no, no, no, no Sam. I never wish I could leave you. Nothing in the world would make me wish that!"

"There are some bad people in the world, but for the most part people are really good and really caring and loving and compassionate and empathetic. I want my kids to realize that the portion of the world who doesn't care is sooooo tiny compared to the portion that does. And I want them to be in that bigger portion with me."

"I love you. I love Dad. I love Dad as much as God loves Dad. Even if Dad hates me, I still love Dad..............I held him and promised him no one could ever hate him. I laid there, holding his sobbing little body, and feeling my heart turn colder and colder towards this person who is hurting my babies!"

A poem I wrote to them a couple months later...

Baby just keep your smile
I'm gonna do my best for you
I know it will take a while
I promise to get you through
You are my world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one
There's darkness in this life
I'll always be by your side
Please don't crumble in strife
the joy in us has not died.
You are m world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one
If you have doubt just look to my eyes
I know we will be fine
To me you all are the prize
I still see that light that you shine
You are my world - my everything
The best is yet to come
Together we have it all
You are my number one

I hope that in the last two years I have held up that promise. There are still issues. There always will be. And even though they see him a couple of times a year now, none of them have been comfortable enough telling him their true feelings about how much he hurt them.
They have seen me cry, loose my temper, and be bitter. But each time they have seen me bounce back up and teach them how to persevere, how to love, and what is truly important. They are.

A wonderful day

2011-10-02T19:15:00.000-07:00

I forgot how much fun the kids and I have letterboxing. We haven't been since last spring because it is just so hot in the summer here to go spend hours in the woods. We got out today and had we not been starving would have probably kept going til dark. They have so much fun with this and I do too. I think that is the key...figure out what you really enjoy doing with your kids and do that. They don't care what you are doing as long as you are actively involved. So I don't like to sit and play with toys. I don't have to. I like to letterbox. I like to play board games. I like to read. We do those thigs together. They can play with toys themselves :)

We finally have internet again!

2011-09-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

I felt like we were living in the dark ages there for a bit...or in a tiny bit of hell anyway. Me and four crazy kids with no internet or tv. Maybe it is a touch of insanity but I really like to focus on what we have instead of what we do not have. It did bother me, but not that much. I thought alot about how we live in a nice place and I am home with them to do homework and stuff like that. But when my mom and dad offered to get internet hooked back up for us, I didn't say no. I said please and thank you.
I don't like living in the dark ages....you know, with just a smart phone ;)

Goodtimes

2011-09-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't died...I just don't have internet at the moment and blotting from my phone is quite the pigs. Damned you auto correct. That was supposed to say blogging and pita. See.

Anyway things are going alarmingly well at the moment and maybe I've also been scared to say that outloud.

A real date

2011-09-02T09:04:00.001-07:00

So I'm going on a real date tonight. It has been a while. And by real date I mean...
****Someone decides they are interested in you and spends some time talking to you, ocassionally showing up where you are, getting to know you.

*****Then, someone tells you that they would like to take you out and do something fun...see a movie, go bowling, etc.

******And the person does this many, many days before the actual day they would like to take you.

It is very hard as an adult or maybe mostly as a single parent to have all of those situations actually occur, but it is nice when someone is interested enough to make plans with you ahead of time. (premeditated) For them to decide that they want to spend some of their free time with you and they want to let you know in advance in hopes that you will also save some of your free time for them. Sounds simple. Sounds planned. Sounds like they value you and your time.

I once thought it was old fashioned, but I think I get what my grandma meant when she used to tell me..."Don't go out with a boy who waits until after 6pm on Wednesday to ask you out for Friday." Clearly she didn't like it when I would jump in the shower at 5pm on Saturday because someone called and made last minute plans with me. I guess I'm getting old, but I'm doing better Grandma!

Joint parenting...

2011-08-30T20:19:00.000-07:00

This came from the person who swears on oath that he can effectively communicate with me and us to enter into a joint parenting arrangement.

Me: "Owen is asking so many questions about you. I gave him a picture of you holding him when he was a baby and told him 'This is your dad. His name is Bill. He lives in Illinois.' ...It is so sweet how he holds the picture and smiles and tells people, 'My dad Bill!' I think we should call a couple of times a week so he can talk to you and get to know you better before his visit in December."

Him: "Let me talk to the kids."

{cocksucker}

Optimism

2011-08-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm taking all the kids to a local event today. It was labelled a "family fun" event. You know what that means....kids go wild, parents chase them around, everyone is sweating, then you get back in the car and make a silent promise to yourself that you will NEVER do something like that again. I know I've been there alot of times, but the lure of free food and live music (Chop's band!) has somehow given me amnesia about the last "family fun" event we tried to attend.
As these kind of things aren't fun enough for a single parent who is way outnumbered I mentioned it to a man I recently met and could possibly see myself dating. I'm not sure if he will make it out, but there is the possiblity that him and his daughter will be there.
I must be optimistic to even venture on outings like this, but this is how I can (with near accuracy) predict it will go.....

As soon as we arrive and everyone gets out of the car (and I get past the feeling like I am driving a clown car) I will count that yes, I did infact make it there with all 4 children. Next, I will remind them that cars can smash them like a pancake and I will reach over to take Owen by the hand. Sam will say something outloud that Carlie deems innappropriate and she will shove him back. He will bump into Harry who he outweighs by 100% knocking Harry down into the gravel. Harry will start bleeding from one or both knees and begin screaming like he has severed a limb. At the same time Sam and Carlie will both be talking non-stop about what did or did not happen to cause this series of events and Owen will start crying just because it sounds like the thing to do. Owen will then start screaming "Sam hit me! Sam hit me!" even though there was a good 5 feet and a mother between him and Sam during the entire ordeal.
We will somehow make it the rest of the way without incident....me holding Owen's hand, having a 6 year old hanging off my hip because he "CAN'T WALK CAN'T WALK CAN'T WALK" and Carlie and Sam following behind still shoving back and forth and bickering over whose fault the whole thing was.
Once we get to where the band is set up, my aunt will take over with the screaming wounded child because she will be equipped with bandaids and whatnot. Then everyone, at the same time, will suddenly be DYING OF THIRST. I have no water...hell I don't even remember bandaids.
I will then find 2 seats with a good 3 feet between them to place Carlie and Sam. Harry is beng doctored up. I will take Owen with me to get drinks for everyone.
I have Owen hold his own drink and am pleasantly suprised he is not spilling it. That feeling of triumph doesn't last long when I am holding the other 4 drinks and Owen declares he "need to POOP NOW!"
How I manage 5 drinks and a pooping toddler will somehow be a blur but we will eventually come out of the bathroom...pants croocked, sweating profusely, and minus one drink. I will decide I didn't need a drink anyway.
Once we make it back to our group, we find that Harry has made a miraclous recovery and Carlie and Sam are somehow best friends now and want to jump in bouncy houses.
But then everyone sees the hotdog stand and we spend the next 18,000 hours ordering hotdogs, putting condiments on hotdogs, throwing away dropped hot dogs, re-ordering hotdogs, scraping off ketchup that was wanted and then OMG NOT WANTED! We walk away from the hot dog stand....stained up pretty good, sweating profusely, and me somehow starving TO DAMN DEATH. Did I eat?
Now...on the way to the bouncy houses...repeat the entire parking lot, bleeding, drinks, POOP scenario but just change the order of the names. This totaly will happen again.
Finally...bouncy houses. I'm sweating profusely, is that mustard, where is one of my shoes...kids...count them one, two, three, four. Ok. That's good. They bounce for a while. We find everyone's shoes. I have Carlie on my back who swears she twisted an ankle, Sam and Harry running circles aroun my body while I'm trying to walk, and am dragging a screaming Owen towards the car.
Then I hear in the background..."Hey! We made it. Are youguys leaving already? What is that on your face?"

See. I'm so optimistic. Well, time to go!

Owen

2011-08-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

When I lay down next to you, son, I wonder about the dreams on your mind. I move closer to your sweaty little body laying so heavy on the pillow. You are at total peace. You are happy, carefree, energetic, loving...
You are a wonderful child. My heart is so full of joy yet so broken for you.
On the day you were born you were born into a room with a mother AND a father eagerly waiting for you. Your sticky hot body was laid on my chest and your father's hands were on you. Your brothers and sister filled in the room. There were six of us. I feel like you remember that somehow. Like you know there is something missing.
I will never know how someone could walk away from you. I would fight until my death to stay by you if told I could not. You are a wonderful child.
When you see a picture of a man and say, "Is that my dad?" or when we are shopping and you look at me and say, "Where my dad?" as though I forgot to buy him...I feel like I can not take any more of that pain. My biggest wish is that you are just curious and that you don't feel that pain the way I feel it for you. I hope that my mother love can swallow it up into my own heart and protect you from it.
Soon you will be meeting your "dad". I wish I could be with you, explain it to you, help you understand, comfort you, hold your hand until you are comfortable with it. I can not. I can do so many things for you but I have to let you go into the unknown.
I know that the second he sees you....the moment he hears your sweet innocent questioning tone, his heart is going to shatter for all those moments he missed with you. He is going to regret all the times he chose convience over you. You are a wonderful child.

Nipples!

2011-08-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

I believe I have sent the kids to school this entire week with hand, foot, and mouth disease. I swear I'm not a horrible parent. We just miss so much school every damn year. I really wanted us to get some good attendance going...especially with it being the second week of school. First, Sam was having some cold symptoms. I dosed everyone up every night with immunity boosters and extra vitamin C. No fever. Then Carlie had a sore throat and lots of sores in her mouth. I continued the immunity boosters and vitamin C. I talked to her about stress causing mouth ulcers. I told her that she should eat some yogurt. No fever. Last night Harry sneezed alot and told me he was getting sick. I put him to bed. No fever. So this morning after I put every one of them on the bus for the 5th time this week, Owen and I went to do some grocery shopping. As we pulled into the parking lot, he pipes up from the back seat, "I got a nipple on my finger, mom! I got NIPPLES...LOTS OF NIPPLES!!!" I thought he was probably trying to say "knuckle" but I decided to investigate anyway. Yep. Tell tale hand, foot, and mouth blisters. And that is what was in Carlie's mouth also.
So....to everyone in class with these kids this week, I'm really sorry....blame their immune systems for not running fevers and the school district for THREATENING TO TURN ME INTO THE TRUANCY OFFICER every year as the reasons I sent them to school with suspicious symptoms. I'm affraid we have exposed you all to the nipples!

A recent note I posted on Facebook....

2011-08-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

At the risk of sounding like a total snob...I have to share what I have experienced in the last 24 hours. A friend told me about this site, Plenty of Fish. It is an online dating site. Out of curiosity I decided to check it out and was, within 24 hours, flooded with about 8 million emails from single men in the area claiming to be "the one". I decided to create a little Do and Don't list for any men thinking about creating a profile and/or emailing women on these sites....(this is from DIRECT experience)

1. Try not to use the words "holla at" more than once or twice. It doesn't take that much more time to type "get in touch with me."

2. Don't use the online name "BIG GUNS".

3. "Is 23 too young to just have fun with?"....UM YES.

4. If you are in jail you might want to make sure your picture doesn't CLEARLY display such.

5. Don't create an account where all of your pictures make you look like Ozzy Osbourne's long lost twin.

6. Let's just go ahead and create the rule now...more than 2 pictures of you posing with a dead animal is more than 2 too many.

7. Do NOT post an "application to date me".

8. Try not to chew someone out on your second email to them over the fact that they didn't reply to your first email....and if you are going to do so maybe wait longer than 15 minutes to do that.

9. Do be accepting of "big" women if you openly admit that you are a "big" man...."I'm a big man but don't want no big woman!"

10. Avoid your first contact being a description of your fantasy of the woman being abducted, bound, and gagged with you getting to the "hideout" just in time to save her, remove the duct tape, and passionately kiss her. Ummmm...no.

11. Don't openly admit to (and be proud of) the fact that you are wasted in your profile picture.

12. Don't tell a mother of 4 that you are into your body and weight lifting and that she had better be into "lookin' damn good".

13. Do post a picture. Unfortunately it does matter.

14. Don't email a single, white, mother who claims to be a preschool teacher when you are so obviously a gang member.

15. Look at the age. If she is 32 and you are over 60...maybe not. Go check out a different type of website called sugardaddy.com.....or flat out state what you have to offer! LOL

16. Don't FLAT OUT SAY that you are married and looking to cheat. Duh.

17. Take off your "redneck" hat for your profile pic.

18. And your Nascar shirt.

How neat...

2011-08-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

A few friends have pointed out that I said I was going to start blogging and then I pretty much gave it a half ass effort. There are some reasons for that. First, and foremost, I'm fairly lazy sometimes. I mean I have to sign in and everything...ugh. Second, I am still ambivilant about how much I want to reveal about my life now. It used to be so easy....perfect little American family, cleaning the house, cooking the food, paying the mother fucking bills, raising the kids. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Nothing too controversial.
Now, as much as I am at peace with myself and how I live my life, it isn't so black and white. There is alot of gray out there folks. ALOT. For example, I have been dating people for the past 2 years...even lived with one of them. I am still married. YES I AM LEGALLY MARRIED. Let me say that a little louder because apparantly it does matter to some men....who knew?
There is the wanting to continue being 100% available to my kids vs. the needing a break, for the love of God and everything holy. Its not always pretty and I just don't know what of that to share and what of that will gain me judgement. But you know what...maybe I shouldn't care. And maybe those who judge need to take a long hard look at why they do. I'm guessing if someone feels like I'm calling them a bad parent when I haven't at all they might want to get their panties (or whitey tighties) out of their ass and figure out why they are so defensive. Also, if someone thinks this is my own little private soap box that I can get up on and act all high and mighty....GO READ THE DEFINITION OF BLOG. That is exactly what it is. It is self absorbed. Its a blog for goodness sake. IT is an online journal. Who's life am I supposed to write about...the maintenance man's?
After a couple of my last posts I received this nasty comment (I didn't share it with you all but I should have.) For a while I let it affect me. Then I considered the source.
"how neat! your own little forum to express yourself to the world and give your own point of view of how you only seem to attract losers, pervs, lazy asses...etc. without ever having to step back, look within and let those same people critique the perfection that is you. i want be the one to do it, dont worry...im much too lazy for that. just thought i would check in and see how things were going for pottymouth, i meant pottymomma. better go find my son, i know hes here....somewhere. oh yeah....SUPRISE!!! your cigs are in the back of my truck"
So yeah...
Its not always glamorous. The whole sharing your life, your wounds, your struggles. But I do like havng a record of my thoughts. I do lie having my own little forum to express myself to the world ;)

47 days ago.

2011-08-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was content. I was all...healthy, content, yada yada yada....don't need a man in my life blah, blah, blah. I'm at peace with my place...me and my kids...blah, blah, yada STRONG, blah, blahhhhhhhh.

47 days.

Tell me, what the eff happened? Because now I sit here and I feel lonely and sad that I don't have that in my life. I don't have that connection...that one person that is important to me and makes me feel special.
I know people. There are the people that could be perfect but live 8,0000000,00000000 miles away. There are the people that live a little bit too close and let me know EXACTLY what parts of me are "important". (actually am quoting "why don't you come over and let me bang on it a little bit" Ummmmm....no thanks?)
Sometimes I think it is probably very simple and one day I'll meet someone that just fits right. Other times I think that it is damn near impossible because 1. I am scared as hell to involve the children (they are still emotionally hurt over what an ASS Jason became....we just found out this week he sold Carlie's goats with no warning) 2. I don't like leaving my children often and 3. Most normal people require more sleep than I do.
I don't think I have a very tall order. Or, hell, maybe I do.
1. Must be nice to children.
2. Must be funny as hell.
3. I have no specific type when it comes to appearance but must be clean. (to those men who think they get clean in a 45 second shower...YOU ARE WRONG. You know who you are.)
4. Must put forth some sort of effort. (a text is not effort. My 2 year old can send one.)
5. Ever so often do some little thing to suprise me.

I didn't die

2011-08-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

I was very overwhelmed but I didn't die. My internet has been down because I am cheap and didn't want to spend $50 on a USB wireless adapter "thingy" to continue stealing (with permission) the neighbors internet.
I'm not sure where I left off....the kids went to Illinois for 3 weeks and it was the longest I have ever been away from them. This, of course, did not include Owen. Owen and I had a great time together while they were gone, though.

There are 5 kids in the room with me and 2 dogs because everyone saw me sit down to write and decided that would be an EXCELLENT time to come wrestle under my feet, scream at each other, and try to tell me random things that are SUPER important. You know the things...facts about which bakugan fight which ones, how many days it has been since I took them to the pool, that Owen is grabbing his penis, etc., etc., etc. If it ever appears that I can't form a complete thought it is because I CAN'T...I REALLY CAN'T.

Something that I've left out of my blog for the past two years other than a few vague hints (or taking you all on the roller coaster of deception that was "Jason") is my dating life. I go back and forth about it. I want to write things because....well, most of all it is funny as hell sometimes. But I also want to write just to sort out my own thoughts sometimes.

When I moved into the apartment I made a pretty concrete decision that I wouldn't be dating any more for a while. HAHAHABWWWWWAHHHHHHAHAHAHA. Right? How many of you believed me. I'm a pretty social person. I get asked out...I like to go. My most recent dating experience, however, hasn't gone well at all. Here are some of the main facts:

1. I initially thought he was a psycho stalker because we met online but I found out he lived in my apartment complex.
2. Once I believed he wasn't insane, he then proceeded to move his ex wife into the same apartment complex which had me questioning the sanity again.
3. I soon discovered that he put zero effort into the situation. Not only would he not walk a few buildings over to my place so that I didn't have to get a babysitter and leave my children after they were sleeping....he also wouldn't even get off his ass and let me in. It went something like...let yourself in, I'll be in the bedroom. Ummmmm...nice.
4. Going out was completely out of the question and then apparantly making the effort to come eat a meal I cooked was a bit much also.

I understand people work long hours and are tired, but you are preaching to the choir baby. I'm not bitching and whining...this is my life...but my hours, THEY NEVER END. There is no co-parent living in the building next door. There are FOUR of them. When I get off work, the real work begins. It never ends. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week...all the time. I love it and wouldn't change it, but I also can't comprehend someone having so little empathy that they don't get what my situation is like. That they think adding extra complications to my day is appropriate.

Is it too much to ask for someone to want to make life a little easier for me sometimes. And seriously...I'm not talking about grand sweep me off my feet gestures. Maybe just those sweet suprises like finding a redbull sitting on top of my car waiting for me one morning when I head out to start the morning commute. A pack of smokes (shhhh...I don't smoke) sitting on my patio chair one evening waiting for me.

Bottom line is I spent 10 years with someone who made me feel like I was at the very bottom of the priority list. Then I was in a relationship where I was at the top of the priority list but in a very effed up way. (Think...you are my world and your children are my life as long as you and them can morph into exactly who and what I want you to be.)
Maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life because I expect this, but I expect to be IMPORTANT to someone for exactly who I am. I know for a fact (from hearing from many other women what they expect in their marriages or relationships) that I expect very little. It amazes me that I have not met anyone able to man up.

Overwhelmed

2011-07-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

I know I likely live in a constant state of overwhelmdom, but I like to think I handle it well. I really (despite what a couple people from last night and then this morning may think)...I really do look on the bright side. I really do love my life. I usually am laughing and happy. I'm just pretty damned stressed out right now.
Let me give you some verbal diahrea real quick:

The kids are going to Illinois. I worry about them. I hate not being with them and at the same time love the break. I don't like that Carlie and little whore like to go be bff's when she is there. I love that she treats my kids good and is normal to them (as far as I know) but I hate that she has the time and ability to just be fun. Her and their dad have no concern over how these kids turn out, if they have school supplies bought, if they are learning responsibility, if they ate their damn vegetables, or if their nails need trimmed or hair has gotten so long that they can't see. Then cram all those worries into the 4 waking hours you have with them each day and it just blows. Sometimes living on welfare sounds like a wonderful plan. I could be home with them again...but I like being independent. I like making my own money for the first time since college and I like buildng for a retirement and having insurance and feeling important in a way that I don't often feel or feel is recognized at home. But I am overwhelmed and I feel trapped at home. There is no other adult to turn to and say...hey watch the kids while I go do my jog. The ability to date someone is nearly impossible...if there is another adult around (or semi adult like Joelee) you do have the ability to get kids tucked in and late at night spend a few hours visiting with someone but then you feel nearly as trapped because there is no ability to go out like a normal person. You might end up feeling like "well...leave the money on the nightstand I have to get going." Ugh.
The other option is to lower my standards...not spend as much time with my kids. Have a few nights a week that there is a babysitter who feeds them and puts them to bed. Then I could swing by and check out Bed, Bath, and Beyond's as is table and get some good deals, I could meet a friend for dinner and drinks, I could feel more like dating and less like sneaking around (well...I'm sure it feels more like sneaking around when someone lives in the same apartment complex as someone's ex and feels like they are still playing 'one big happy family' and honestly I don't know how long the person I know in that situation will be able to deal with it if it continues at this extreme or gets any more complicated....hmmmm).
So lowering standards is an option, but it isn't my option. My kids always, have always, and will always come first. And honestly some of the stress involves someone else who feels the same way about their kid which is a really awesome thing.....

Hmmmm. I think I covered it all. Other topics of stress are
***I gained 20 lbs!
***I started Weight Watchers and running back and never have time to run.
***Bill won't take Owen....again!
***My boss won't do my evaluation and I think even if they do they will come up with some reason to not give me the raise that I need and I need it because Owen starts daycare soon (first kid I have ever had to put in daycare) and I can't afford it.

Soooooo....Oh yeah, and their father hasn't reimbursed me for med bills in over a year and my car eats gas to the point that it is costing me as much as my rent to get back and forth to school.

Maybe I am done whining. What can you do to help?

1. Tell me I'm not crazy.
2. Give me a car with very low gas mileage.
3. Come live with me and be my nanny.
4. Send me a couple of your xanax or a bottle of rum....either way. :)

Top Ten Reasons I previously said I didn't want another relationship

2011-07-05T03:35:00.000-07:00

10. Somehow pulling extra time out of my ass....This is a freaking miracle and if I manage to somehow find time for another person I hope they realize how big that is.

9. When I am happy I eat more and get fat.

8. Watching someone do things with my kids that their own dad has never and will never do.

7. Having to deal with silly drama....for example, what if you were dating someone who lived in your apartment complex and their FREAKING EX WIFE decided to move into the same apartment complex. I'm guessing that situation would end up dripping with drama. (I actually know someone this is happening to....I'm sure I'll have some stories to tell.)

6. Having to shave my legs more than once a week.

5. That icky feeling you get when you go to bed after having not talked to someone who said they would call....what am I fourteen?!?

4. The inability to fart anytime you want, pick your nose, sit with your hand on your balls while you watch tv....(oh wait, that wasn't me!....more like the possibility you will end up with someone who does those things again.)

3. The ups and downs.

2. One more person to worry about and care about. I clearly don't have enough of those in my life.

1. The concern in the back of my head that I'll find asshole #3.

zaxby's tuesday

2011-06-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

So this afternoon my day got substantially less "peaceful". I can't really put a lot of it into words at the moment but I'm feeling a lot of what I wanted to avoid feeling at this point. I think I have enough stress that allowing more into my life is pretty ignorant but sometimes you can't always help what you choose to feel deeply about. Oh well.....so I spent about an hour in the bath tub with rum and came out wrinkled and a bit less stressed. Joelee drove (obviously) us to Zaxby's for our evening out and the lady rang up our large order and looked at me and said $15. I knew I had had a couple of drinks but $15?!? Did I hear this correctly? Turns out kids eat free at Zaxxby's on Tuesdays. Do you know how much happier that immediately made me?!?!! Apparantly I like money as much as I like rum....as much as I like a certain thing that I wonder if its really all that good for me right now.

Just another day in the life...

2011-06-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday is mule trader day. We LOVE mule trader day! I think it is funny that as a kid I was always looking forward to getting the new mule trader on Thursdays and now Carlie is following in those footsteps. Carlie, however, (in true Carlie fashion) has taken it to a new level. She has invented a complicated "game of life" that involves making imaginary purchases from the mule trader sticking to a predetermined budget. God I love that kid!
So this morning I happen to be flipping through the mule trader and see that asshole #2 is selling my furniture. Don't sigh for me...this doesn't bother me. I think it is pretty hilarious, actually. One thing I learned about asshole #2 is that he has no ability at all whatsoever to manage his cash. My furniture is probably being sold because he needs the funds. (and I already tried to sell those pieces and was unsuccessful so have at it asshole #2.)
Tonight I invited my friend over for dinner. Invited over for dinner means that he offered to go pick up food and bring it here when he saw that the shit was hitting the fan all over the place. Shit hitting the fan doesn't even phase me anymore...I should rename my blog "Shit hitting the fan all over the place". That phrase just kind of summarizes our general lifestyle. Today's shit involved our routine weekly ER visit. This time was different, though. This time involved a pool of blood and staples in one of my children's legs. Everyone is fine now and my friend showed up shortly after we got home from the hospital with some yummy food. We all had a nice evening. Friend, me, and Owen were sitting out on the patio and we were laughing about how silly Owen is and how funny it is to hear him talk. I asked Owen what friend's name was to hear him say it and he said it. Then I asked him what my name is. He said, "You name MOM." and I said, "No...what is my name." and he again said, "You name MOM!". So then I said, "Owen..what is my name...what do other people call Mom?" and he thought for a minute and said, "They call you baby." Nice one, Owen. Thanks a bunch dude. That really helps.
Harry was so proud of the staples in his leg. This instantaneously made him more tough than any kid he knows. He wanted to brag to everyone...
I text asshole #1 and told him that Harry had gotten staples but was fine now. His response was "what happened" and I text him the details of the event. No response. So then I sent him the pic I had taken of Harry's leg and said, "Harry feels like a big shot. You should call him tonight...I'm sure he would love to tell you about it." Response: "I'll call tomorrow."
Yep. Go fuck yourself. Don't call. And guess what...when Harry mentioned all the people he wanted to tell, your name WASN'T EVEN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST!
Ok. I feel better. These kids are freaking amazing. Every second of every day. They are more amazing than anyone can get out of a week here and there spent staring at the TV. Try getting involved. Try talking to your child sometimes. And his mother told me to "put my children first" the last time I saw her. Ok...makes perfect sense.
I must get to sleep. I just wanted to write down the events of the day because all in all it was a good day. It was a good good day. As crazy and effed up as it may sound, I am literally more happy and more at peace than I have ever been at any time in my life that I can recall. We love our new place :)

Mamma needs a rum and coke...

2011-06-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

This working, single mom stuff ain't easy. I love my job. I love my kids. I just hate walking into 4 kids jumping on top of me after being at my job all day. They do not comprehend the desperate pleas for "a minute". I can usually handle it...Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... But Friday, it is bad. By Friday I don't really want to even look at anyone, let alone walk up to the teenage boys from upstairs shooting fireworks around MY PATIO and breaking shit that has my 8 year old stepping on glass, bleeding all over my beige carpeting, the dogs running out the door when I step in, etc. etc. etc.
I literally threw my crap at the wall, put my hair up in a bun, and started screaming at some mexican kid out on my patio. This happened within the first 30 seconds of being home.
Within the first hour, all kids were bathed, a movie is ready to stream through netflix for the evening, and I have fixed my first "rum and coke" (picture a splash of coke.)
I really do love my kids. And my job. And my life. And my apartment. I just miss having a MINUTE sometimes. I was supposed to be in Florida this weekend having some much needed grown up time. I can feel the strain of missing out on that. My bottle of rum can feel the strain too.

Fo in the mone

2011-06-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

Can I just start by saying how awesome it is to parent a teenager. LMAO. Actually Joelee is more than like a kid to me. She is sometimes the only reason I am able to function through an entire day. Lately I've been spending some time in the evenings with a friend...which is all I wanna say about that :) Last night I got the kids to bed, told Jo I'd be back in a couple hours and drove literally 22.4 seconds away to watch a movie with my friend. I fell asleep, woke up in a FREAKING PANIC at 3am thinking it was 7am for some reason and that I hadn't gone home or made it to work. I quickly realized it was 3 am, I was 22.4 seconds from my front door, and had 3 hours before my alarm really would go off.
Friend walks me out to my car and we have a nice little "I had a great time" conversation and I get in and crank my car....to hear bumping LOUD over the stereo..."back that ass up like a dumptruck..."
Nice.
And I sat in a cold wet seat from her driving back and forth to the pool.
JOELEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are lucky I love you so :)

Compassion

2011-06-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes have the oddest mixed emotions over my ex husband. Weird, right? LOL...I mean who wouldn't have mixed emotions over someone they were married to for 10 years of their life....had 4 children with...kept a home with...planned for the future with....
I definitely still have the pangs of wishing excrutiating harm on him, but in the past 6 months I have started feeling so sorry for him. Like real compassion. I honestly think about his future and what it will probably look like. I think back to a day when Sam was a year old and I stood in a hospital hallway holding him and quietly sobbing while Bill and close to 20 of his immediate family hovered around a hospital bed watching his Grandmother holding his Grandpa's hand as he drifted off into permanent sleep. I still get chills. To be surrounded by so many people who love you and who you have been a huge person in their lives as you pass away...totally not alone....totally loved....cherished. Bill will never have that.
The kids bring him up sometimes, like last night. Harry, "Mom...I wish Dad wouln't have made the choices he did when he left." and Sam, "Yeah...mom, I am sad about dad and mad that he did that." (and they aren't talking about divorcing their mother...they are talking about the complete distancing himself for months and the only making an effort a couple times a year...usually only when I suggest it...to see them.) I asked them, "Do you want to call Dad?" They called him only to get the standard, "so what else is new....hmmmmm.....really.....so what else is going on?" Someone who's only response to anything you have to say is "hmmmm. Well that's neat." over and over and OVER again and someone who knows so little about you and your life that making conversation sounds physically painful for them leaves you unsatisfied.
I feel sorry for him. The priceless moments I get to have with the kids are amazing. The things that they say that have me laughing out loud that he misses....the moments I see one of the big kids step up and show compassion for one of the little kids...watching them grow and learn new skills....the pride that comes with knowing they are turning into amazing people....he has completely lost all of that. He doesn't know these kids. That alone sounds like my own personal hell. That would be my own personal hell.
Recently I met a single dad who gets it. His son is his number one priority and it shows in so many ways. He is not going to miss one second of those moments and when he takes a minute to himself he stresses over what he may have missed. Just knowing there are dads like that in the world is what keeps me from being bitter and forces me to have compassion for those sorry dads who have truely lost it all.

Being content

2011-06-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I spend well over 15 hours in my car each week commuting to and from work now. Do you have any idea the amout of deep DEEP thinking you will do when there is nothing else to do? I like to listen to the Ace and TJ show. I sing along and dance to music. I eat and spill shit on myself often. Mostly, though, I get utterly lost in thought. (As any moms reading know, this is a true luxury once you get past a couple of kids.) The main object of my thoughts lately is how I have hit a level of real contentment with life. When I decided to move out of Jason's place, everything else fell exactly the way it was supposed to. I have had a peace like no other lately. And with that there is nothing I want more than to keep a firm hold on that peace.
I think it gets hard to explain to people that I like my life exactly the way it is. Would I like more money? Sure. Would I like more free time? OF FREAKING COURSE. Would I like my kids to never fight and eat every vegetable I put on the table? Damn straight. Nothing is perfect and I have my share of frustrations (and my moments where I would like certain people to die a tragic death...but I'm praying about that.) But what I feel now that I am consistently making my own decisions and living in my own place and making my own money and taking care of my own kids is that it is sooooo good. It could sound selfish, but I don't want to factor anyone else into that right now. I also don't think it is good for my kids or me to do so. Clearly, I am a social person and I love to go out and have a good time. I enjoy dating. I enjoy people and their company. What I don't want to do is have someone start to become important enough to factor into my decisions or how I live my life or how I raise my kids or...or...or....
Ok, so that does sound selfish. But damn it also sounds responsible. And looking back I'm not sure the thought process that went into moving in with Jason and letting him be the new "step daddy" was very responsible. It was familiar. There is a difference.
I "overheard" (facebook) a friend of mine tell another friend of mine one time that she needed to take a boycation. I thought it was funny, but I totally get it. If I become a serial relationship haver, then I'm not living my own life anymore or doing what is best for my children. I don't need a boycation. I like boys too much for that. What I do know, however, is that I don't need another boyfriend. I don't need a life partner. I'm not looking for that now nor do I see myself wanting that soon. I am perfectly content with my life exactly the way it is. More content than I have ever been. This is a good feeling and I tend to somehow let others opinions influence mine and start wavering on what I know is true and right for myself. I'm basically writing this as a reminder for me to not do that again. I am content.

For Dani

2011-06-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

I have been a little busy Dani. I know I don't have a son with bright pink marker on his foreskin but that doesn't mean I have all the time in the world to update my blog! I am a full time working mom for the first time in my life. This would be a drastic change of pace for me, except that I went to work full time.....taking care of toddlers. Imagine that. I don't know particularly why I like this age group, but I do. They can take you from pure bliss to the depths of hell in a matter of 30 seconds. That is powerful! I just recently got a new group of students and I thought I would be sad to see my other group go, but it is kind of like parenthood. I'm so proud of how big they are and how awesomely they are adjusting to new challenges.
As for my kids at home, I have been amazed that they adjusted so well to me being gone most of their waking day. We have Joelee back with us now. Can't beat a free nanny...well, if you count buying that "chain smoking whore" 80 packs of cigarettes a day free. She knows I love her, though, and no...she doesn't smoke around the kids. I have been seeing less and less of her on her "off" time, however, because of her newfound interests in the hispanic population upstairs. Sometimes I come home now and Owen is speaking to me in spanish.
As far as why else I am busy...I have made some concrete decisions lately. Concrete as in I think I am fairly certain but am still willing to change my mind at the drop of a hat. I've spent some time thinking long and hard about what I want in my life and how I go about creating/finding that. I am not sure what exactly drew me to the insta-daddy scenario. Probably a lot of things...most importantly being that I genuinely thought it was what was best for my kids regardless of what was best for me. I have learned...OH HAVE I LEARNED...that what is best for me *IS* what is best for them. "If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
So in light of that realization, I have started pretty much doing what makes me happy within reason...I mean I believe if I decided to just live in the Alabaster thrift store, drinking beer, and swearing someone might have a problem with that. Bottom line is, though, that as hard as it is to stop thinking about the "fairy tale", I don't believe it is in any of our best interests to land in the situation we were in again. We are really happy. I would like to think that one day we could be happy with someone in our lives but right now we are pretty damn happy to have a certain someone out of our lives. Ahahaha. That was mean. I mean that we are pretty darn happy to have a certain someone out of our lives. Well, shit....I seem to be unable to say it any other way.

I missed you sooooooooooooo muuuuuccccchhhhh!!!!!!!

2011-06-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

I just can't stay away. Blogging is too fun. I don't even know where to pick up at. Last I wrote was September??? Wow. For starters I have learned alot over the past 9 months.

1. It is REALLY easy to like someone who is 2000 miles away.

2. Divorces in Illinois NEVER end.

3. Supporting myself and having a good job that I'm good at is as rewarding as raising children has been!

4. I don't like to live with boys unless I gave birth to them.

5. Never state your opinion about the size of a man's....um....resources...unless you want your phone to be abruptly cut off.

I'm sure I've learned other stuff and will have lots more to write. There is alot of catching up to do.

A fresh start

2010-09-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am finally working on the new blog. I had no idea how much I would miss writing. Sometimes it is overwhelming how much I do. I am not feeling near as bitter. Somehow telling exactly what was on my mind to someone who called me out on some "lumping together" made me feel 100 times better even if they didn't know they did.
So anywho. I would like to send invites to friends who've been reading for years. Especially those of you who I read. I don't want to stop this whole blogging thing or this blogging community. It has been a huge source of support for many years for me and a ton of enjoyment. I miss that.
Send me an email or something with your addy so I can invite you when I get it up and running.

Torn

2010-08-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

First of all...my favorite quotes of the day so far (it's only noon)

"Carlie...PUT YOUR GUN DOWN AND EAT YOUR LUNCH!!!"
"Mom, you put your crap buddy in a frame!?!?!"

So, back to the point. I am very torn over what to do with my blog. I love writing about the kids, but I am done sharing the details of their lives with certain people who I have lost all trust in. Petty, petty people who will twist around events and conversations to try their hardest to make someone else look bad. Why? Because they have some warped idea that it might make them look better.

I have enjoyed this blog, but I think I need to either close it down or drastically change the content that I write about. I do know that I do not want to include details of the kids' lives, pictures of them, etc. The rest I'm unsure of. I like having a place to vent my frustrations, but don't like the idea of this blog becomming just that because my life is so much more than that. These shitty people are a tiny fraction of what I think about each day. The kids and I have so much fun together, I have stories about my life changing...goals, jobs, ideas, relationships. I enjoy having a record of our life. I love looking back through the past years posts and seeing how much things have changed or remembering cute things the kids have said or done as they were growing up. I just don't like the idea of people who don't care about me...and apparantly only care about using the kids as a means of twisting shit and trying to make themselves look better....being able to read all the intimate details of our lives.
I also don't want to turn into that person that uses this as a platform to be like "neener neener neener....look how much better our lives are now!" because it is soooo hard to not do that. I don't want to be that shitty person, but holy cow! We live in a nicer house than we have ever lived in. I'm buying (from my parents) a nicer car than I've ever driven. I am close to family that I've always wanted to live close to. Back home near old friends. In a relationship that is more than great...and he has a family that is amazing and genuinely cares for the kids and I. Life is just so damn good.

Maybe it is just a good place to end this blog. I do not think I will stop writing. I enjoy it too much for that. I think it is time to have more security with what I write and more privacy in how the kids are doing and what they are doing. I am definitely open to sending invitations out for a new private blog (When and if I start it...you know me...could be later tonight, could be a year from now. LOL) For my close friends....email me at wiualum99@yahoo.com with your email address and I think I can send an invitation through blogger at that time.

It's been an amazing journey writing as Pottymomma.

So much.

2010-08-13T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am amazed by the ability some people have to twist the truth. Wow. When I'm asked what the kids need for school, I genuinely think it is because a Grandma wants to help out rather than so it can be used against me later by saying I didn't send clothes with the kids yet expected other people to purchase them.
When I say, "It isn't against the law, but it is safest for Carlie to be in the back seat"...It confuses me that people want to later twist that into me forcing them to rent an expensive van. I recall offering a free place to stay and visit the kids. It isn't even possible for me to force "conditions" on someone when they legally have a right to visit their children.
Apparantly, even though I have stated time and time and time AND TIME again that he can call them anytime he wants on my phone because Carlie never has her phone on. (and honestly...she is 9. She shouldn't have access to a phone at all times. She has homework, friends, playing outside, etc.) Even though I have always allowed phone calls to the kids, it is still said that I have "cutt off communication".
Double you Tee Eff!!!!!
This is so damn annoying. I'm pretty much done. I don't want to talk to people who I have to worry will twist my words when I thought we all had a common goal of providing the best care for these kids. Obviously their goal was more along the lines of "try to make Crissy look crazy."
It isn't like we are hurting for people or family in our lives. Our lives are RICH now with that. These people that can't be honest and genuine...they can just be that once in a while phone call for the kids. That four whole minutes that he usually spends talking to his children every other week. Whatever.
The kids are happy. That's all I care about. They are doing amazing here. Friends over, church activities, playing outside, pets, lots and lots of family. They know what's what.

Allowing myself to mourn?

2010-08-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

Something I haven't done. First I was in shock. Then I had shit to do....alot of shit to do. And once all that shit was done and I had a minute to step back and appreciate where we are and how far we've come, I was just so damn happy.
I never really mourned the end of my marriage. I mean this person who only put a half ass effort into it was now a completely different person and was 100% worse than ever. Not much to mourn there.
Tonight as I was looking again at my options for school/career and looking at recent job postings I realized something. I've known since last fall that my kids' reality has changed. I've mourned the hell out of that. I hated putting them back into public school. I hated walking around in an absent minded haze. I didn't like taking them away from their home or all the friends they've ever known. I didn't like putting them on a bus...having them get free lunch at school...not being able to afford any of their activities that they are used to. That all sucked. The reality of not being the mom who goes on the field trips, volunteers at the library, brings the cupcakes to school, waits on the front porch for you to get off the bus....that has me in full out tears sometimes. I know my days of doing that are very limited. It is coming to an end very soon.
I mourned all of that. I lost a LIFESTYLE. The kids lost a LIFESTYLE. I never really saw it as loosing a partner, because he never was much of one. But I sit here knowing that in 15 minutes it is our 10 year anniversary. That is hard. I tried to sort out what the hell this is that I'm feeling. Am I just upset because I found out today that he is taking me back to court to decrease the child support? Maybe I'm sick to my stomach because I also found out today that he ignored court orders to continue making the van payment as a portion of the child support and I am loosing the van ANY MINUTE....any freaking minute. Or maybe it is because he has his family convinced that I'm a raving lunatic. That actually makes me chuckle...so that isn't it. I am mourning the idea I had of what life was going to be. We were going to be on our way to Memphis taking our first ever vacation alone without the kids. We were going to be celebrating the hard work it takes to make a marriage last 10 years. Probably discussing all of our plans for the future...the kids, our goals, etc. I said tonight..."being happy is being able to change yourself when needed and adapt to changes when necessary." I take it back. I take it all back....I am not mourning. That is much to sad of a word for what I feel. I am not sad. Still in disbelief sometimes, but that optimistic kind of disbelief. This isn't what I planned. This isn't where I thought I'd be sitting on this date in 2010, but I am happy with it.
And to the people who believe that I was what he says I was...check out my post last year on this date. Last Year's Post And check out the fact that my "husband" made NO COMMENT. Zero comments.

PCB with GJB

2010-07-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

Wow. There are no words. Here are a couple of pictures though. The 24 hours Gina and I spent on our trip were definitely memorable!

Nita's pictures

2010-07-26T13:53:00.002-07:00

Benita always has the best pictures of the action and you never even realize she is taking them!

The club

2010-07-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and I have been joking around about starting a first wives' club. I never saw that movie....don't know what it is about...but just thought it was hilarious when one of us said the other night, "first wives are BITCHES."

Its funny, the majority of the women I have met who have had husbands walk out on them and their kids are actually IN A BETTER PLACE. Shocking, right. I mean, seriously, can you imagine that you'd be better off without a man who is capable of abandoning his family? I think alot of that has to do with the fact that they were given a golden opportunity to be with someone who has more character than that.

When you're in this club you know what it feels like to fix an awesome salad dressing for your new family and realize that (besides your kids) that recipe is the best thing you walked away from your old family with.

You know what its like for that old life to creep up in odd ways...like getting up to fix a piece of cake for someone you love and realize you are serving it from a dish that was a wedding gift when you married the asshole.

It doesn't really matter how much you clean out, get rid of, walk away from, disguard....things are always there. That is who you were even though you don't want it to be part of who you are anymore.

It means wondering what the kids should call people who have taken them in and loved them better than some of their grandparents. And knowing how ironic it is hesitating to let them call these people grandparents when they have called some people that since birth who have just disappeared.

Its sometimes odd, and sometimes uncomfortable....but mostly if you are in that club (that better place club) then you can set the momentos of that life to the side, laugh off someone getting engaged when they are still married to someone else, or someone having a "secret" wedding in Vegas and lying to their only kid about it (I actually know of someone who did this), and all the other crazy things you are bound to find out your ex did.

You know you've made it to that place when those kind of things don't bother you in the least. So, as much fun as a really bitchy first wives' club might be, I think we should start a club of those of us who THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE for our new lives.

All the men of the house.

2010-07-19T06:55:00.001-07:00

The boys are really getting to be boys with Jason here. They spend the day in go, go, go, go mode. There is definitely no sitting around :) After a full day of play, play, run, run, and going mudding in four wheelers down the muddy logging road they were EXHAUSTED. All of them.

Hell on wheels

2010-07-17T18:24:00.001-07:00

The kids were beyond excited about their new rides. During the day for the last three days they have been asking, "where's Jason?". We told them he was helping his dad fix a tractor. Today they realized it wasn't a tractor!

Way too damn cute

2010-07-17T07:25:00.001-07:00

Carlie and Sam are in for a huge suprise today....two of these for our adventures down the logging road. I'm so excited that they have the perfect place to learn to ride. These go really slow and the logging road is a very big wide road that the logging trucks used to clear all the land behind our house. It goes on and on and there are no vehicles that use it anymore. They are going to literally crap their pants later today :)

Been a while

2010-07-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

The kids have been doing marvelous, so it has been a long while since I've mentioned how they are handling their dad's absense. I want to update everyone who cared so much and who hurt along with me for these kids. As recent pictures show, they are doing really well now.
Carlie was having a regular every night holy shit kind of meltdown after we moved into the apartment in Macomb. Since mid-March when we got here she has had this happen a total of 3 times. That comes to less than once a month. I don't want to get really specific about the meltdowns because it feels like more than I should share, but it wasn't just your average kid meltdown. These were the kind that had me sobbing every night after she finally calmed down and fell asleep out of exhaustion. The kind that made me think she was never going to be ok. One night I actually called Bill (from her phone because that is the only way he would answer) and told him how scared I was because of what was happening. He, of course, didn't offer to help calm her or anything but promised that he would call her everyday after school. This DID NOT happen for longer than ONE day.
I'm sure his family wonders why I am so bitter. I think they probably tell themselves that it is because I am mad that he left me, mad that he was unfaithful, blah...blah...blah. I am bitter because of how much he fucked up with his children. I know for a fact that I did not make it impossible for him to contact them or see them. I also know for a fact that I begged him to see them. I again know for a fact that I stayed in Macomb living that hell for nearly 3 months after I had permission to leave so that he would have that chance to change his mind ABOUT HIS KIDS (not about me...that was never on my radar). So, anyway, I am bitter for them. I am bitter because of the hell they went through and the memory of that they have.
I got off on a bit of a tangent. Back to Carlie....she is doing amazing. She loves the responsibility of the pets she has now, she is helpful with Owen, she is respectful of me. I can tell a funny story from the past (like the time she heard a noise and knew her Dad had dropped her shampoo bottle) and we both just laugh about the story and there is no overhanging saddness. She never even asks to contact him anymore.
Sam held alot more in than Carlie did. Sam never had the anger she had. He was just overwhelmingly sad and that was so hard to see. As much as I told him that Bill leaving wasn't his fault, he often relived over and over again the night Bill left. None of us knew what was going on because he was acting out of character and grumpy. Everyone has a bad day so I didn't think much of it. I was putting the baby to bed when he tucked the boys in. Sam tells me often his last memory of his dad is of him grabbing his neck and angrily putting him in his bed. I remember that night Sam crying when I went in to tell him goodnight and him telling me that dad had hurt his neck. I wish that wasn't his last memory. He actually told Benita and Chop the other day that he was scared of his dad. That totally sucks.
Sam has come a long way. He used to mention Bill alot in conversation and almost in a way like he was just on a trip or living far away but still in our lives. Now he doesn't ask about him or mention him. He's just back to normal, happy go lucky Sam. The other day our van battery had died and I picked up the phone to call for help. Sam said, "Are you on the phone with Dad?.....oh yeah....Dad wouldn't help us." I was like, wow. Kids are so damn smart. I make it a point to NEVER say anything negative about their dad. I actually hardly mention him unless they do because I think it is just easier for the kids that he is phased out since that is what he has chosen.
Harry was still teary about missing his dad when we moved here. He still cried at bedtime some nights. I honestly don't think he remembers much at this point. I think he has been on the phone with Bill twice in the last couple months or so. Both times he says, "um.....um.....ummmmmmmmm......BYE."
Owen, obviously, has no memory of any of this. He is doing just as well as he has been the whole time. I have been shocked that since moving here, Bill hasn't asked about Owen once. Not one thing. Like he doesn't exist.
From time to time I still believe that maybe I am wrong about him and that he really does still want to be their father. The other day I asked if he wanted to see them before school starts back. No response.
These kids are moving on. I see it so much every day. With or without another man in their life, they would be moving on. Having someone in their life who thinks they are so special and who wants to be a leader for them is just a bonus. One day they will be grown. It happens so fast. One day he will want to know about them. I wouldn't be surpised if he got no response.

Three more weeks

2010-07-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

I just realized today that the kids only have three more weeks of summer break.

Halle-FREAKING-luja!

No offense, kids, but momma is tired. I'm really going to miss having Harry around. He is a mean little shit, but he is hilarious about it. The other day he said one of my favorite things ever. It was the day before we were taking the kids to a water park. He looked at Jason and said, "Can you take us to the water park TODAY? In Jesus name, Amen." I love that kid.

This summer has flown by.

A bit of the fun...

2010-07-09T06:46:00.000-07:00

3 am

2010-07-06T01:17:00.000-07:00

Owen has hand, foot, and mouth. So...NOT...fun! I'm sitting here at 3am again bouncing him hoping his motrin will kick in super fast. I was up last night from about 2 until 5 with him. He's so misserable. Jason kept the kids entertained this morning so I could catch up on the sleep. Sitting up last night, I was kicking myself for not sleeping on Saturday. It was so worth it though. We had such a good time. It is too cool hanging out with old friends we went to school with. So much has changed in everyone's life, but we're all still basically the same people. I like it.
I really like how he told the kids today "Your momma is taking care of a sick baby....anything you need to tell her goes through me first. Don't ask her for something I can do." Its really cute to see how eager to please him they are. They have responded so well to having him around.
It is actually a little crazy to see that I can tell them something 3 or 4 times and they are still walking around in a little circle. He says something one time and they are on it. In a matter of a week he had them clearing the table after they eat, jumping up to go outside the second they are told, and has almost got them to stop saying, "what", when their name is said. They now say, "yes?" LOL
My Illinois peeps probably are like...huh? But for where we are in the south, the fact that the kids say, "what", instead of "ma'am?" or "sir?" is looked at as HIGHLY rude.
The reason the kids have responded so well is that Jason has taken so much time to do fun things with them. They take walks down the logging road, rides around the yard on the four wheeler, little one on one trips to do something, planning out and building little projects, jumping on the trampoline together. He is also a persistent little shit! LOL There are so many times that the sheer number of kids and amount of stuff I need to get done cause me to just let some things go. He showed up and I have back up. He helps enforce stuff that I say and points out things I may have missed. We were just talking about this tonight after we got the kids tucked in. They are responding to this so great because they really needed it. They love the attention, the different dynamic a guy brings, the direction, the silliness. We just all fit well together.
He is damn determined to get one of the kids to ride a bike before he has to leave. Carlie has lost interest in her new bike, and Sam is just really into his little scooter. Today at Wal-Mart I found them all in the bike isle after Owen and I gathered all the food stuff. Harry was riding around a little bike and Jason was so damn excited. He told me tonight that Harry is the key. He's going to get Harry riding and then him and Harry can take off down the logging road on their bikes and the other two will be trying to catch up. First thing in the morning, after we suprise Sam with the power scooter that he doesn't know we got today (that is the most oblivious kid on the planet....Jason snuck a power scooter into the van without him noticing!), they are going to Wal-Mart to get Harry a bike. Should be another fun day.
I'm still rambling because Owen is STILL AWAKE on my lap. Poor guy.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!

2010-07-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

Love me some Saturdays! The kids spend the night with Nini and Chop on Saturdays and a few weeks ago I started letting Owen go too. It is nice to have a bit of a break and be able to do things with friends. That night at the winery and then the pool was a bit much, but that's what happens when the momma never gets a break. LOL Having some regular time away from them makes it so much more enjoyable to be with them.
Today we had Jason's family and my family over for a cook-out. Lots of good food and so much fun. Its so great to be around people that you aren't watching every little thing you say and do. I also love seeing how much the kids adore all this attention. Not very many months ago it was just me and them...all the damn time. Now we have so many awesome people in our lives.
Last night we had dinner at Jason's mom and dad's house and then he set off fireworks for the kids. We took everyone but Sam (who wanted to chill and watch tv) for a ride through the creek in the golf cart. I think I was as excited to do that as the kids were.
Tonight we're going over to our friends' house to watch the fight and have some food and beverages. Should be a great time. A nice little break from the kids and some grown up time is always good. Again....this is exactly what I always imagined. Couldn't ask for anything more :)

Not a circus freak show

2010-07-01T18:27:00.000-07:00

Let me paint you a picture...

We're all in Wal-Mart after a morning of running around Home Depot like a bunch of maniacs and then eating lunch out.

Carlie has an ace bandage wrapped around her knee *which is not hurt as bad as she is acting like it is* and is laid up in the back of one grocery cart with a pillow behind her back and groceries piled up to her eye balls. Enough groceries in the cart that look like we're feeding a small village. I'm pushing this cart with Harry bouncing on and off the back and flinging his small (but strangely powerful) body into anyone who doesn't jump out of his way.
Owen is in the stroller with Sam pushing him wildly criss cross style back and forth down every isle.
Jason is pushing around a cart overflowing with huge bouncy balls, a pool noodle sticking out wacking various objects, a tiger puzzle, a remote control helicopter, and a bunch of other random stuff.
Both carts are overflowing. All four kids are squealing and laughing loudly. We are both smiling and genuinely having a good time.
I love LOVE LOVE being with someone who loves being with us. Jason didn't once make me feel like he was embarassed or uncomfortable being seen with us. That was such an awesome and UNUSUAL feeling.
This blog may be getting a bit redundant, but looking out the kitchen window tonight while I was cleaning up dinner and seeing him laying out on the trampoline throwing the big bouncy balls at all 4 of the kids and everyone laughing, smiling, and jumping...I'm still just amazed.

"Every little thing that you do...Baby, I'm amazed by you."

2010-06-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

Making a quick grocery run last night and heard that song. Felt like it sums up life right now. I am amazed. This was one hell of a journey, but good Lord was the ride worth it. Every second was worth it.

People have told me alot how strong I am and how good I'm doing, etc. The kids are really the reason. At the bleakest times, I did not in any way want their life to feel that way to them. I really didn't think any amount of time or any thing or any one was going to make that hell feel insignificant.

I was wrong. This just feels like exactly how life was meant to be. You don't realize how accustomed you get to the monotony of life until everything gets turned upside down. I sometimes look back and think, "How the hell was I ok with that?"

I look over sometimes and am just amazed by what I see. Someone taking the time to explain exactly how something works to Carlie....someone taking the time to show the kids ways to help their mom out around the house...someone dragging them all outside because it is nice and then JUMPING on the trampoline with them, TEACHING one of them to ride a bike, GOING on the walk with us. We feel important. We feel included. I wake up in the morning to someone who is smiling because they are here with us. I will be in the kitchen sometimes and look out the big window into the back yard and see Jason deep in conversation with one of the kids and think, "THIS...THIS is exactly what I have always wanted."

The Prank that the kids are still talking about...

2010-06-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Jason and I were talking and he asked if the boys were on the computer. He wanted to mess with them and let the chat window pop up. I told him that it would say his name on it and they would know it was him. The next day I was talking to Carlie and told her about what Jason had said and how it would have been funny if we could have made the boys think the computer was talking to them. A few hours later she came in my room and had it all figured out. She said Jason should start a new chat account that's name was "The computer". She asked if she could email him her great idea. They text back and forth a few times about their little prank and then Sunday afternoon the boys were finally on the computer playing a game. Carlie text Jason to tell him that they were in position, shoot! His new chat account "mamas computer" popped up and started talking to the boys. They were so freaked out. Sam was laughing hysterically and covering his mouth. Because I was on the phone with Jason while they were doing it, "mamas computer" was able to type things like, "Harry...it isn't nice to say Stupid Jerk" and "Sam, I know you have on a red shirt" as they were happening. It was so damn funny. The boys were screaming "It's creepy! It's creepy!"
It was a fun prank and I was laughing my butt off, but the momma standing in the background part of me was smiling because of what Carlie had gotten out of the experience :) Its the little things that show kids who you really are. Taking such a small amount of your time to carry out one of their "great ideas" is so huge to them. That's the kind of stuff kids rememeber for years. That's the kind of stuff that shows them that they matter to you. And that's the kind of stuff that makes their mom think you are a hero.

Cockeyed

2010-06-23T19:39:00.000-07:00

If you have one eye on yesterday, and one eye on tomorrow, you're going to be cockeyed today. ~ Author Unknown

I just posted this on FB tonight. I've been feeling a bit cockeyed the last few days and it doesn't have much to do with my accidental benadryl overdose yesterday. This week I've spent too much time thinking about the pattern of what I'm familiar with. When you look for something you'll find it even if its not there. Especially if you are a woman.
Suprise, suprise. Who couldn't have seen that coming a mile away. Woman spends 12 year of her life with a emotionally void brick wall who distances himself as brick walls tend to do. Woman is terrified of all walls.
OK, so that doesn't make much sense, but I do know what I'm talking about. It is damn scarey to face another wall even if this wall is more like that of a padded play room with all kinds of fun toys.

1997

2010-06-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I was moving around some boxes in the garage...when you go on "vacation" and never come back and then have someone else pack up your crap and bring it to you, every box is like a little suprise. I found an old diary from 1997. I started reading some of it before bed last night. Mostly it was insanely embarassing. I was dating this guy Wes. We had went through some crazy stuff, then his dad passed away, then we decided we were obsessed with religion and Elvis...don't ask. Very bizarre time in my life. I'm sure we all have those times where we are so blindly obsessed with someone that they could practically lead us off a bridge and we would follow. Reading through some of it, I was like...well, crap. This person asked me to marry him, we were talking about getting an apartment between our two colleges, and we had gone looking at rings (I didn't remember any of that until reading it). What's even more bizarre than the Elvis obsession LOL, is how life takes you on so many journey's and there seems to be a purpose even though you can't see it at the time. When that guy called off the whole thing, I remember walking around (drinking vodka...healthy, I know) and thinking that even as unhappy about it as I was I kept having this twinge of excitement thinking about how I was free from the times he made me feel like crap. Somehow we make the same mistakes again in our lives. Do we not learn from our past experiences? Do we somehow turn situations into what we are familiar with? I'm rambling, but looking at that and thinking about the past year....it's uncomfortable, but reinforces for me that what I feel right now is such a good, good feeling. Be you. If you can not then it is no good.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

I read a story one time about a man who found out he had cancer and most likely wouldn't make it. He had twin daughters that were very young at the time. The story told about how he got a group of men who were influential and important in his life and made a "Dad Council" (or something to that effect) for his girls. At the time the story was written he was still living and doing things with his daughters. During times he was too sick, one of the dads on the council would step in. The part where one of the dads took the girls trick-or-treating one year reminded me of a time about a week after Bill left, when Sam's best friend's dad stepped in for me and took my kids trick-or-treating. I could have, but there was no wind in my sails. He knew that and also knew how important it was for my kids to have strong male examples in their lives. I don't know if he knows how much that meant to me, but it did. Over time I've come to see that my kids have many MANY men in their life that together have filled a void so big I felt lost in it at times. Seeing Carlie's face when Chop says, "Carlie...Carlie...Carlie....I looooooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeee you!", seeing the older boys get so excited about texting back and forth with Jason making plans for the next time he's with us, seeing Owen run squealing when Mr. Cummings stops by throwing his arms up the second he sees him step into the yard....it is all just wonderful. Chop, Jason, Mr. Cummings, Randy, my dad....and so on and so on. Sometimes we are around another dad...like the friends from Macomb who invited us down to the beach with them when we first moved here....and I see that dad teaching my boys things, guy things. These kids are surrounded by good men. My children may be missing a father this father's day, but they aren't missing much. There is someone who is missing out and it is not the kids. Kids are amazing and loving and loyal and forgiving. Kids grow up though. I love that my kids have some really strong men in their lives to grow up around and grow close to.

Why you should send me some vodka...

2010-06-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

A memento from the "African Violet Show"

2010-06-18T09:07:00.000-07:00

Snapshots of life

2010-06-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

One day when the kids are grown, I hope to make all of this available to them. For the most part, this blog is full of stories of our life. Most of those stories are happy. I know I've spent months getting off on an angry rant, but we are still living that life. The kids and I still have a blast together. Life is just funny and you have to be able to laugh at it. I think my FB statuses are a great snapshot of life. I love looking back at some of their quotes. Here's some recent ones that I've posted:

NINE days. Single digits now :)

sometimes teenagers are stoooooooooopid. LOL "Go tell your parents!" God, I feel old right now.

needs the AP fake facebook thread right now. Anyone want to make a post on my behalf? I got somethin to say that is only appropriate for the bubble. LOL

how is it possible that I haven't posted a status update in 20 hours? Guess the facebook intervention can be called off. I appear to have been cured

thinks raw carrots are not as satisfying as a juicy chicken snack from Dairy Queen. Why am I up late thinking about fried food when I know I'm not going to get any?

Bedtime hath fallen upon us. ♥ ♥ ♥ Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

STAY AWAY from Mommy....the caffeine isn't even working anymore. You have been sufficiently warned. The rest is up to you.

probably shouldn't have made fun of all the women who post..."has the best man in the world". as their status. I'm usually like "write something interesting or shut up!" but now....that's all that's on my mind.

hates fixing breakfast most of all. Otherwise I love to cook. We are in a breakfast rut. Got any ideas for us. (Oh, and they have to practically fix themselves because I am no morning person. I love making breakfast foods but can't do it til dinnertime.)

should have went to bed when I felt slightly sleepy. Now I'm wide awake.

Other than piles of dirty clothes, dishes by the sink, and a rare text...you would have no idea I have a teenager living with me. Where is she? Beats me! She's breaking me in for the day that is coming when I have 4 teenagers at once :)

Hello random screw in the bottom of the dishwasher....you better not have been effing important.

Seriously bank lady...you have to hold the check from his lawyer for 7 days before I receive the funds? Then you tell me to have a GREAT day? I'll be having a pretty crappy 7 days thank you very much...and what's that Jamie says? LOL

More Harry...it never ends. He's working on a MAZE book and I just hear from the kitchen "(big sigh...) I do it so fast, I just cut through the lines." Guess the MAZE book was a wasted purchase on him.

This week is just going to be a rough one. No way around that. Even though I now think he is a shitty father, it is hard for me to not look at what they have lost. We are boycotting Sunday...going out in the woods hiking to hang out just the 5 of us.

More Harry for the day...he's looking at the reflection of our normal size tv on the big picture window in the living room....."Look, there's a very large flat screen tv hanging on that tree out there."

"Mom, he's pretending to die again."........"He's pretending to die again? Harry, that's getting OLD."

is going to bed before 10 o'clock...ALERT THE PRESS.

is headed to church and really hoping the kids don't break out into the chorus from "I'll pray for you".

stayed up late making squash casseroles. I couldn't get more lame if I tried.

Just singing "Jesus loves me" to Harry. Got to the part where "they are weak, but he is strong" and he starts yelling...."I'M NOT WEAK! I'M NOT!!! I'M NOT WEAK!"

Now has a pig and admits this is getting a little out of hand.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night! Counting down the hours til they all go have a sleep over with Nini and Chop!

Thanks Dr. Fill :)

Joelee...."maybe she'll facebook fight me"......Me...."OH I LOVE FACEBOOK FIGHTS!"

Man...everytime she tries to correspond with me it actually BRIGHTENS my day. I wonder if she knows how entertaining she is? Who knew that my husband leaving me and moving in with a 21 year old would provide so many hours of comedy. Too many hilarious quotes from that email to even know where to start.

We've had Bella almost 8 years. Her name was actually Harry's first word. All the kids said Behhhh, Beba, Bewa, or Beya as some of their first words. Telling them that she got hit by a car last night sucked.

Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.

ABBY....It is Duquette! And Jenna, I asked him if I could cut his LVAD wire and lay by his dead body in a prom dress. This Denny, however, spoke with a foreign accent and didn't understand me when I said, "Izzy Stevens, nice to meet you."

Thank God for yesterday because this day really REALLY sucked.

Hoy crap, lawyer man. I'm not a cryer. If you can have ME (your own client) sobbing 2 minutes into the phone call...what the hell are you going to do to HIM?!?! And this would be the only reason I'm still putting up with it.

Lookin' back at the moments black and white, I wouldn't change a thing that changed my life....for the worse, for the better....man, I was gone...gone forever.

Tired. But soooooooo worth it. Gotta come up with an excuse for all the sand in the van before we pick up the boys. Apparantly those damn African Violet Shows are really sandy.

That was nice...not one but two cop cars waiting for us when we pulled off the interstate back into town....don't know how we got out of that one but we did ♥

Oh deer, deer, deer......oh dear, what?.....NO! deer DEER!.....Well, thanks for telling me now!

Road, road, ROAD Joels.

Dear bartender man....you look like Denny Dukett.

Just got told i was too dirty to be in the tattoo shop. That can't be good.

These comments on some of these rock, though. I gots some really AWESOME friends :)

To Cro

2010-06-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Cro,
I did see your comment about my new tattoo. I didn't forget you :) I will be posting a picture once it is completely done healing. Still have a little dry skin on the top of it affecting the final appearance.
Bissou (did I spell that right?)
Potty

Is it enough?

2010-06-17T19:33:00.001-07:00

I've heard a few times about a class that has been coordinated to help keep families of a certain law enforcement department from falling apart like ours did. Apparantly they had their first class this week and it sounds like there was alot of good information. It's probably good for the spouses/girlfriends of police officers to learn more about the stress that is involved on the job and the lack of compassion that they have to develop to get through their duties, but really...is that enough? I was very suprised to hear that someone actually showed up with "the girlfriend" as in not the wife who was pregnant at the time with their second child. Not suprisingly another officer with very young children did not make an appearance with his wife. Wouldn't want her to maybe put two and two together and figure out what EVERYONE else knows. This is why, as great as the information is, I highly doubt it will change much. When men have little integrity and little loyalty to their families, they keep their wives secluded from the people who may be able to provide clues to who they really are. Once I was no longer in that situation I was able to see it for what it was. Did the kids and I ever get included when it involved people at work? Nope, hardly ever. I applaud the families who are trying. I think that it is great that wives and girlfriends (even the *new* ones) were told about the class and effort was made to go. For those that didn't go or weren't told or were encouraged to avoid it....wonder why? I'll never again be in a relationship with someone who isn't damn proud to be with me and damn proud to include me in his life.

Beat me to it.

2010-06-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

I've gotten alot of questions about "who is this Jason guy?" There was a comment on one of my recent posts asking this same question again. I decided I would sit down tonight and write a post about the past 6 months, but he beat me to it with his reply to the comment. In my words...Jason is a friend from my past who I ran into last Christmas. I immediately felt drawn to him. His personality is amazing. My family definitely won't have the opportunity to describe him as "bump on a log" (which is a name they often called my ex when they were talking to just me.)
Over time I went from enjoying chatting with Jason to it being the best part of every day. We were able to get together again over Spring Break when I moved down to Alabama. The kids and I decided to rent a house Jason owns here and I have never felt more "at home". That week we spent alot of time working outside together with the kids, hiking by ourselves, hiking with them. That week proved to me that what I thought was there really was and it was better than I could have imagined.
Sam and I were able to spend more time with Jason when we flew out to California. Seeing how he interacts with my kids is just one of the many reasons I love him. We are all excited for him to be back here to visit in a couple of weeks and then will keep looking forward to the day when he can be here for good. The kids see him as someone they can count on and someone who is interested in them. Sam has started asking to text or call Jason. This morning he asked if he could email him and then when Jason replied, even Carlie said, "He replied already!?!?!" It is bittersweet that they appear so suprised when he makes them a priority.
I have been hesitent to say much because I can't comprehend how amazing life has become for us and I was honestly scared to jinx it. On a daily basis Jason shows me in some way that we are IMPORTANT. And he isn't even in the same state.
Anyway....here is his comment. It made me smile, which I pretty much do non-stop now.

"Hi pottymomma followers my name is Jason and I have been a US MARINE for 12 years now. Crissy and I Have known each other for years and recentley bumped into each while she was home during Christmas 09. I had recently had back surgery and was home just waiting to get back to the base. When I saw her smile it was over for me so we started talking and chatting. I fell in love with her and can not wait to get back to bama to be with her and those awesome kids. PS. Thanks bill"

A friend took this picture of us when we all went out over Spring Break. I love this picture because we look like we're up to no good. Who's Jason? He's my partner in crime!

More random thoughts

2010-06-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

I want my new tatoo to finish healing so it looks pretty like my butterfly.

So happy to have the ability to drop the kids off at Nini and Chop's so I can make a run to the store without them.

Carlie is being quiet depressed. That freaks me out more than her pissed off depressed.

I have not yet had a significant enough amount of caffeine for the day.

I really LOVE my new bathing suit and cover up.

Telling your kids that you didn't answer their calls because you "had a headache" is severely lacking in originality. Plus they aren't stupid...they have seen me make dinner, take care of them, and TALK TO THEM when I've felt like I'm on my death bed from a kidney infection.

The mosquitos here may be winning.

Every time I look at the clock I think about what time it is in California. I am sickeningly in love :)

Random thoughts

2010-06-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Very excited about what the kids and I are planning to do this Sunday...day o' letterboxing. Doubt we will hear much about father's day if we are off in the woods enjoying our hunt. That is one sermon that I just can not sit through.

Joelee has been here visiting but I made the mistake of taking her out where she met a boy and have barely seen her since.

Benita, Chop, Austin, and my grandma came over for dinner tonight and met the new pig.

Thirteen more days til Jason is here!

When I told the kids we were going to go letterboxing this weekend, they all yelled..."Is Jason coming?!?!?!" (I have taken them on these hikes a million times, he has gone once. Guess he made an impression!)

Planning to go watch Chop's band in action at a winery on Saturday. Was so good to see them all play the past Sunday and I'm looking forward to a night out!

This statement.... "I read ALL your e-mails you ever wrote to him... " Wow, honey, get a LIFE!

Missing my friends in Illinois :( but do not at all regret leaving.

This has been a harder week and I'm only on day 2.

Carlie's blog

2010-06-14T05:42:00.001-07:00

Carlie started a new blog. She, apparantly, got tired of the other one. LOL

She wanted me to pass along the info.

http://flip-flopdaughter.blogspot.com/

So let me get this straight...

2010-06-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

When it comes to what you tell people and what you put in the legal paperwork...

you want the kids for the entire summer and nearly every school break

you want to be contacted and have an equal part in the decisions about their care, school, and medical needs

But when it comes to what ACTUALLY happens...

I offer to bring the kids for the summer and you tell me you didn't really mean it and that you can't afford to feed them *huh?...*

I text and call that I am concerned about Carlie's emotional issues (that I have already tried to discuss one other time while we were still in Macomb) and you do not at all in anyway respond. Nice.

So which is it...you want to be the father or you just want to *appear* to be. Oh yeah, I already know the answer to that.

The Farm

2010-06-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Carlie finally got the pig she has been wanting today. "Wendy" is one year old and is super sweet. She is a miniture pot belly and loves to have her belly scratched. Buddy and Violet are unimpressed. Violet actually spikes up a mohawk on her back when Wendy grunts at her. The kids are loving their little farm and are doing such a good job taking care of the animals. We've had a sad week here with first the pups dying (we didn't know but they had parvo when we got them and even though we gave it our best shot they didn't make it.) and then Bella, our dog of 8 years, got hit by a car the night before last. Cuddling with goats while your pig grunts and snorts around your feet really helps with the healing process, though. I was worried the most about Carlie when Bella died. Bella and her grew up together...we got Bella when Carlie was just 1 and if you do a search for "Bella" on this blog you will see that she was very much a part of our family. Carlie is doing suprisingly well...even in spite of the fact that she is repeatedly trying to call her dad about it. It is hard to see your babies sad over unpreventable things, but when they are sad and SOMEONE is causing it that is just maddening. (enough to make me turn into a psychotic attention seeking whore....you facebookers will know what that means. hahahaha) The good news is that Carlie has many people in her life that she can talk to. She is also starting to see, as am I, just how important we are to Jason. She also now has 2 goats and a pig that FREAK COMPLETELY OUT for her when she steps into the back yard :)

"African Violet Show"

2010-06-10T10:23:00.001-07:00

The tradition continued...
What happens on the African Violet Show trip stays on the African Violet Show trip. And I came home with a permanent violet. Drew a little while on the beach and had a new tattoo done :)

You keep messing up...I'll keep praying for you

2010-06-08T14:25:00.001-07:00

Fun with Jo and the Goats.

2010-06-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

The rest of the creatures!

2010-06-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Creature count at our house right now....6 people (REALLY WISHING IT WAS 7), 4 dogs (Bella, Sterling, Thor, and Clay), 2 cats (Angel and Sweat Pea), and 2 goats (Buddy and Violet)

Happy kids with their new puppies! The red one is "Clay" (named by Carlie) and the black one is "Thor" (named by Jason)

Harry...scooter boy!

Carlie excited about all the animals.

"Leaf me Alone" Owen.

Sweet Sam!

This is the kid I'm adopting...I don't mind the extra mouth to feed. She turns 18 in 2 months, never talks back, can wipe her own ass, and sleeps through the night!

The rest of the creatures.

2010-06-02T19:20:00.001-07:00

Well, crap! I had pics of the dogs and the new pups, but Blogger won't let me upload right now. Boooooo :(

All the creatures on the farm

2010-06-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

Sweat Pea looks sweet and innocent, but she is the most mischeveous. Always looking for trouble!

Angel is a pretty laid back cat (even though the picture makes her look wild.) She pisses me off when she plays in the plants, but she loves to sit in your lap on the porch swing.

Violet is a little more timid. She loves to be petted as long as you are on the other side of the fence. Violet likes to lay on top of the ramp with Buddy and climb around on the tree roots.

Buddy loves to play on the ramp and his favorite thing is getting his neck scratched. He will butt you gently and paw at your arm with his hoof when you stop.

The kids with the nanny :)

Life is soooooooo good with a nanny!

Statistically speaking...

2010-05-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't know if there has really been a study done...but the percentage of homewrecking ho-bags who lie is significantly higher than the percentage of 9 year old kids.

Carlie got home. The necklace DOES say mom.

Too freaking funny.

2010-05-30T15:54:00.001-07:00

I have to first say that there has been no corespondence between me and Bill and that chic. That makes this even funnier. I started out mad because of something that Carlie told me that was way innappropriate. It was enough to make me want to contact them. She said, "go blog about it" like that's a bad thing. LMAO. So, here ya go internet.

Me: Are you (bleeping bleep)? What would make you think that necklace was appropriate?

C: How is it not?

Me: Because you have pent a total of 10 minutes with her, u made her uncomfortable, and you are a disgusting person. You seriously called yourself "mom" on the necklace?? WTF???

C: How did I call myself mom? And 10 min. my ass.

Me: She said the necklace said i love you on one side & mom on the other.

C: No. It does not say mom on the other side of it. And she seemed to have a great time here

Me: I haven't een it. That is just what she said. And yes...he is father of the year. Spends a few hours with his daughter when she is in the state for nearly 2 weeks.

C: Go blog about it unless you haven't already.

Me: You say that like its a bad thing. LMAO

C: I'm sorry, telling the world of your life, your kids lives, and adding me and bill in the mix is sane.

Me: No insane is hiding a pregnancy from everyone and giving the baby away...or is that rumor? I only write facts and if you think it is insane then stop (bleeping) reading it. Duh.

C: I'm sorry I can't remember the last time I used duh was. So if the maturity level can be raised a bit on your end I can better understand you.
Also put your jealous and psycho tendencies aside if you would like the pleaure of talking to me.

(OH WOW...DID SHE REALLY SAY THIS. THIS IS THE PART THAT LITERALLY MADE MY DAY. I LOVE IT. I'M STILL LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. I GOT CALLED PSYCHO!!! AND IT IS A PLEASURE, SWEETIE!)

Me: I am not and never have been jealou of u and my life has improved one million times over without him in it, but i LOVE LOVE the fact that you now offer maturity lesons as one of your services.

Then the psycho side of myself followed up with this conversation with Bill....

Me: Omg. She' even dumber than i realized. That was entertaining. I'm not even mad any more. You don't have to call me. lmfao.
But since she seems to think i don't hold back on my blog i gues i could go tell the internet exactly why i was always scared to leave the kids home alone with you....wow....looking back that is still sick as (bleep)

Bill: wow i am so glad i left you

Me: not as glad as i am

How to reinvent your life.

2010-05-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

Step 1 (there is only one step)...figure out what kind of person you want to be, and especially what kind of person you want your children to grow up to be, and surround yourself with people like that.

This might hurt a little.

2010-05-27T18:54:00.000-07:00

I need to finish my story. I've put it off because I'm to the point that I know was really the end. It wasn't the end of our marriage...it was the end of MY marriage. This was the point where everything I knew to be true got thrown out the window. The rules of the game all changed. Life became less about teamwork and more about one person holding all of the power. Joy was replaced with numbness, freedom was replaced with insecurity, and love was replaced with fear.
The end of the story starts two years before Bill left. But, really, it starts before that. It starts with loosing Patience. I was 12 weeks pregnant when I found out she died. No, it starts before that. I was 8 weeks pregnant when she died. Sam was very, very sick. (Actually it starts way before that...it starts when I married someone even though neither one of us felt like we couldn't live without eachother.) I know the night she died like I know the baby was a "she". This part probably makes me sound crazy. Before they knew that it was an allergic reaction to antibiotics causing Sam to be so sick (he couldn't walk, couldn't open his hands, had lesions all over his body, and was vomitting) they sent us home to wait it out and see if he improved. That December can be read about here.
That night Sam wouldn't stop throwing up. We had Bill's family visiting for Christmas because Sam was too sick to leave the house to go there. Bill and I were sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. I sat up on the couch that entire night holding Sam's head over a bowl. He was too weak to do it himself. He couldn't sit up or walk on his own. When I finally got him laid down around 5 am, I spent the next 3 hours sitting online researching the hell out of everything to find out what was wrong...which I did find out and he ended up admitted the next day to the hospital!
While I was online I was shaking and shaking. I hurt, I felt sick, I was in tears. The whole time I thought it was because I was so scared for Sam. I was scared for Sam, but I also believe that sometime during the stress of all of that, I lost the baby. A few times that night I wished Bill would have been helping. I would watch him lay on that air mattress, listen to him snore, and feel....unimportant.
I didn't even consiously know at the time how badly I wished he would have been the kind of husband who would have been sitting up with Sam too. The kind of husband who would have come over to the computer and put his arms around me shaking and made me come back to bed. The kind of husband that worried about his pregnant wife more than his OWN DAMN SLEEP.
Loosing Patience is probably where this starts...who knows. Hindsight is 20/20 and there are too many memories of feeling that same hopelessly unimportant feeling to count. After we found out Patience had died, the miscarriage became complicated. Life threatening. I ended up in the hospital for days nearly having to have a blood transfusion. I had to have an emergency procedure. It was all very traumatic. I would have never told him not to leave. I know he wanted the police dog and probably felt like he had to go. Again, in hindsight...I WANTED SO BADLY to have the kind of husband that would have said I'm sorry to everyone else and took care of me. I was unable to get out of the bed, unable to be alone with the kids, and he left for 10 weeks.
Fastforwarding ahead, we eventually decided to try again to have a 4th baby. Loosing Patience was horrible and I didn't want to end on that note. The kids had been so excited and then so sad. Bill and I talked and planned and decided that even though we had not planned Patience, we wanted the baby so badly and did want another child.
I know he was a part of this decsion. I remember him not letting me have caffenated sodas when we were trying to get pregnant. I remember the night he took me out to have my last Margarita for what we thought would be a long while. I did not have the faintest idea that within the 2 week time period from ovulation until you can take a pregnancy test, he would change our lives.
One Wednesday right before I was headed out the door to pick up the kids from school (and the day before we were going to test to see if I was pregnant), Bill asked me to sit down. He told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. I was completely caught off guard. I asked him what the hell he meant? He said "I don't know." I asked him if he was leaving. He said, "I don't know." Over and over he kept telling me, "I don't know."
I left the house and stood outside of the kids school crying behind my sunglasses. My mind was spinning out of control. What happened? When did he decide this? Was he going to leave? What about the baby? Oh my God...am I pregnant?
Getting through that afternoon, dinner, kids baths, etc. without breaking down was insanity. I got them in the bed and again asked him the same questions. All he kept telling me was, "I don't know." I locked myself in the bathroom and layed on the floor sobbing. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed begging God to not let me be pregnant. I was about to get abandoned with three kids and I was scared as hell. I cried for hours. He never once came to the door. Never once checked on me. I finally came out of the bathroom and he was in our room, on his side of the bed, asleep. Sleeping peacefully.
The next night he begged my forgiveness. He told me he had a momentary loss of sanity and that he loved me. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The kids and I were important to him. He wanted this baby too. We found out a few days later that I was, in fact, pregnant. I lost the baby the same week we found out. I never named it.
I knew then that I would never feel the same. Somehow time began to heal those wounds. I found out that he had been talking to a female co-worker for hours every day. They both deny anything innappropriate happened. I have yet to find another married adult that agrees that it is appropriate to talk to someone else that many hours a day without your wife knowing. That secret apparantly will go to the grave with the two of them because they are the only ones who know what those phone conversations were about. They are the only ones who know if it was limited to just phone conversations. I do know, however, that when I contacted her huband and asked if they were all just friends...he immediately became irate and started blaming her and threatening Bill. Those things don't just happen.
We worked through this horrible time. I found a way to forgive him. He found a way to convince me that I was safe with him. I am a complete and utter IDIOT. As much as I look back and think, "dumbass, dumbass...you are such a dumbass", I also think that I can't say enough times how much Owen is worth all of that.
When someone tells you that you matter so little to them that they could walk away from you, leaves you hanging for 48 hours while they decide if they are going to do it or not, and goes to sleep while you are loosing your sanity and your hope....THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU no matter what they say. Once you realize that you are optional to someone who is supposed to love you, it shakes the foundation of everything. You would have thought that the next two years would have been full of him proving to me that I was important....afterall that is what he said. The next two years, however, were full of more of the same as the first 7 and a half. They were also full of me walking on eggshells wondering if it could acutally have happened. And then it did.

The best video EVER

2010-05-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

Mommy Rhapsody from Church on the Move on Vimeo.

Owen

2010-05-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

Toddler. Unless you've owned a toddler, you just can't quite understand that feeling when frustration, desperation, annoyance combines with heart melting love. I have had a rough toddler day. I was trying to remember what it was like not to run around like a maniac cleaning up messes and realized the last time I didn't have a toddler I was 22. It seems like everytime I graduate one to preschooler, another baby is getting promoted to toddler.
I wake up thinking I'll accomplish these things:
1. Fix breakfast
2. Make beds
3. Get a shower
4. Clean up the house
5. Put the laundry away
6. Scrub the bathtub
7. Plant the new plants before it gets to hot outside
8. Pick up sticks with the boys
9. Lay out in the sun a bit
10. Fix lunch
11. Put Owen down for a nap and relax

What I have done:
1. Fix breakfast
2. Make beds
3. Beg Owen to eat anything
4. Took out all the trash
5. Cleaned up oatmeal smeared everywhere
6. Put Owen in the tub because the oatmeal was EVERYWHERE
7. Let Owen watch a cartoon and got online, watched a hilarious mom video...felt better.
8. Found out Owen was dumping a whole bottle of shampoo.
9. Put Owen back in the bath
10. Mopped the bathroom 800,000,000 times
11. Found Owen quietly looking at a book...HOLY SHIT...got online to complain about the shampoo bottle
12. Fixed lunch
13. Cleaned up his dumped water
14. Cleaned up a huge glass of spilled ice cubes
15. Strawberry applesauce EVERYWHERE! Cleaned that up.
16. Made a mental note that I do not have enough kitchen rags for all of this nonsense
17. Strapped Owen down this time for his cartoon while I finished cleaning up the disaster

Now he needs another bath.

I'm assuming there will be about 4.7 more major disasters before he goes down for his nap. The idea of going back to school/work has definitely be in the front of my mind lately. I was thinking...who the hell would clean up all those messes?!?! Then I realized that it would mean Owen would be SOMEWHERE ELSE creating messes for SOMEONE ELSE. Somtimes that is super tempting. Trying to give the little dude what the other kids had...my time. But someone needs to tell him that if I didn't spend 19.5 hours everyday CLEANING SHIT UP then I could get to the fun stuff.

The Stepford years

2010-05-25T20:52:00.000-07:00

The two years before Bill left were a time that I probably thought we were the happiest and most at peace. I realize now that it was because there was no way in hell I was going to form any other opinion. After what had happened, I knew what my options were. He never said this much and I doubt he even thought this much. I knew it without a doubt though. I knew it enough for the both of us, and I have been proven right.
My options were:
1. Grin, make small talk, and don't complain too much.
2. Stand up for what I deserved and watch him walk out the door.
When you have someone backed into that kind of corner it is really easy to float through life never having to put forth much effort. When you have put the fear of God in someone...they see every eyebrow raise, every sarcastic tone, every frown as possibly the final straw.
I felt like I literally had my hands tied behind my back for 2 years. For a while, I thought the bomb could drop at any minute. Then I somehow felt safe and secure again....well, kind of. Even though I had promised myself after what happened that I would never have another child with him, we decided to have Owen. There were a few weeks after Owen was born that I thought everything had come together. Maybe it was a maturity thing. Maybe we had just been so young when the other kids were born and now that he was mature he was able to see how to take care of us. I spent days snuggling Owen in the bed while Bill took care of everything else. It was amazing. It was how it was supposed to be. We had talked before and after Owen was born about our expectations, my needs, his needs, the needs of the other kids, etc. I thought we had compromised well when we decided he would not go on any overnight work trips until Owen was 6 months old. About 2 months after Owen was born I began having alot of really hard days. I took an online quiz, talked to friends, talked to my doctor, and realized I was dealing with post partum depression. I hadn't had this before and it was scary and lonely. I explained to Bill how scary it was. He chose to leave for 3 nights anyway on an optional training trip.
Those were some horrible days. Those were the days that I thought of the women that we look at and say, "Why didn't they reach out for help?" I did reach out for help. It felt unbelivably scary to speak up. It felt like the edge of insanity when he left anyway.
I realized then what I had done. I had let my guard down and trusted him when it was really me the whole time wearing some stupid rose colored glasses.
So someone bathes a kid, unloads a dishwasher, wipes a butt....these things are not parade worthy. Put your family first when they need you. This is where we never quite got to.
What was I supposed to do? I could talk until I was blue in the face and that wouldn't change anything. I already knew what my options were. So I took every little bone that was thrown my way and treated it like it was a 7 course meal. I looked passed the broken promises, the trips that can only be described as a SINGLE MAN'S heaven, the new lies that I would stumble on, and the times that I needed him and he wasn't there.
I lulled myself into security believing promises from someone who I already knew could look me in my face and lie. I felt comfort from someone who was able to fall asleep even though I was sobbing. I continued to build my future around making someone a priority who had once shown me how optional I was to him. These are my mistakes. These are the mistakes that keep me up at night and make me look back at an entire decade and say, "What the fuck?"
On the flip side, had I not done that...had I not felt that...had I not believed that...Owen would not exist. I planned and dreamed up each one of these children before they were conceived. There are moments where we question ourselves more personally and more intimately than we are willing to share with any other soul. In those moments, I know without a doubt that if there was no other purpose for the last 10 years of my life it was to become their mother. I'm sure most mothers can relate to this: If that was the ONLY purpose of the last 10 years of my life it was entirely worth it and I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change any decision I have made or anything I have done.

Absence sometimes is just that.

2010-05-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

I decided I would pick back up my story tonight now that the boys are in bed. Looking over my last entry I realized that I titled it "The first day" even though I was talking about the last day of my marriage. I didn't do that on purpose, but it is more than an appropriate title.
Backing up a few days, I was in Lincoln, NE for my Aunt Connie's funeral. Connie had been one of those relatives who just stands out in your life. She had been my pen pal when I was a little kid. I would send her cassette tapes of me narrating my life. I spent a couple weeks one summer at her place. It was the perfect place to run away to. I believe one of the first things I ever did was run away there with my mother when I was just a tiny newborn.
I didn't feel like I was running away. I was just going to Connie's funeral because I loved her and wanted to be there for my family. While I was there, however, it felt like running away. I didn't come home after the funeral, actually. I ended up staying for the week. Bill was (at least I thought at the time) at home with the boys. Turns out he had his mother come stay with them while he pretended to go to work. I was far away thinking about how I didn't think I ever mattered to him....he was out proving that I didn't.
At my Aunt Connie's funeral someone spoke about her relationship with Uncle Tom. How she was a single mom and how they met and lived happily ever after. The person told of their first night as a married couple and how immediately the next morning they went and got the kids and started their life together. Their very long life together. This all sunk in to me. Somehow I realized that I did not have that. I had spent alot of years already being at peace with not having that. Why?
Little by little that week the things that were normal became thorns in my side. Him not calling me ever. Him falling asleep without telling me goodnight. Me having to have the neighbor make sure him and the boys were ok because he wouldn't even answer the phone. It hurt. That hurt spiraled into recent and distant memories. The most recent of sitting in an ER room for hours thinking I very likely had a brain aneurysm. Sitting alone. Being ashamed to admit to my family that my own husband wasn't there. Would possibly be coming later. Maybe. But then he didn't. Distant memories of being in labor with Sam. Trying to overcome the pain of natural childbirth of a 10 lb. baby when your only support coach is asleep and appears annoyed at being asked for a hand to hold when it is unbearable. I drove home scared. I was scared to go back home and keep feeling the same invisibleness. I was scared to speak up because of what had happened 2 years prior. I was mostly scared because I knew that promises would be made and nothing would change. I knew exactly what would happen. I had lived it enough times. I called Bill while I drove with that lump in my throat. I tried my best to describe it without sounding accusing. Hell, I honestly did believe that it was me. I thought I required too much. I thought I needed to get over the past better than I had. I thought that somehow I hadn't loved him enough and had brought this all on myself. I told him on the phone that I didn't feel important to him. I explained that I even realized that it could just all be in my head and that is why I thought seeing a counselor might be a good idea. He told me that he would see someone if I wanted to. He said that he did love me and I was very important to him and that he was sorry I didn't feel important. He said he thought we could talk to eachother at home and work through it...that it wasn't a huge thing. And his standard line. "If I could take back what happened 2 years ago I would a thousand times. You and the kids mean EVERYTHING to me." Is it a form of mental illness to keep believing someone who you have caught flat out lieing to you over and over again?
I drove the rest of the way home feeling cautiously hopeful. Maybe this would be the time that he understood that until he put me first (or even in the top 10) on his priority list, I would never heal from what happened. And my deep dark secret...even though I still believed we had a perfect little family. I saw visions of us sitting at the table together eating dinner, him tucking the boys in at night, one day walking Carlie down the aisle. Even though I thought that I was the one with the issue. I just needed to let the past go and not worry about feeling unimportant to him. On that drive home I fantasized what it would be like to be like Aunt Connie had been...single mom, on my own, meeting my own "Uncle Tom". In alot of ways that sounded like a fairy tale.

And in the movie re-make, this would be where you'd start hearing the lyrics "Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all...you just might get it all and then some you don't want."

The first day

2010-05-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes about the people whose blogs I read. I don't read a ton of blogs, but when you read the day to day (often mundane) details of someone's life you feel like you really get to know them. Some are people I have never met and never will meet. Some are friends that I have gotten to know in a different way through their writing. When I think about the people who read this blog it is a similar feeling. I've received so much encouragement at times from people who don't even know me. When Bill left, just figuring out how to get it all out was difficult. And then this just became a space for my anger to fly out of me. It was a safe place to say whatever I dared. Getting that insanity out of my head, away from my children, and documenting those feelings was very healing. In that process alot of the details went unmentioned and I'm sure that some people question exactly what went down. I know one day my children will. I don't know where to start, but working backwards is how I have come to understand the end of my marriage and the easiest way, I believe, to tell the story.
October 19th, 2009 I made a change in my attitude that I had no idea was a necessary change for what was to come. I decided that morning that I was no longer going to let someone else's procrastination, disinterest, gloominess run the entire show. I was so tired of waiting...waiting for things to get done, waiting for someone to act interested in us, waiting for that happiness that was just around the corner. I was tired of waiting in the house with the baby. Waiting to be included. Waiting to feel wanted. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. There was abosolutely nothing I could do to change this game. I had played it so long that I didn't realize that it was not normal. I made a choice that day that I was going to be the iceberg. I was going to move forward with what I wanted to do, with life, with being happy and those that could follow along would. I had no idea how quickly I would realize that this was a journey I would embark on alone.
A typical day would be me hinting around and mentioning the leaves that needed raked and bagged up. I would wonder when...maybe after breakfast, maybe after the baby's nap, maybe after we cleaned up lunch. Maybe he would shower. Maybe he would see how long the kids had been watching tv. Maybe we could do something as a family. Maybe he would look like he enjoyed it.
A typical day would be me trying to line up all the planets with the moon and hoping it was good enough. If anything did get to happen it would involve us moving in our separate ways. I would be on baby duty and he might get around to the yard or whatever the task at hand was. It definitely would not include the kids in the way imagined in all my dreams of what that happiness around the corner consisted of. I knew it was there. I thought we would find it after we bought our first house, after we moved to a better job, after the last baby was born, after I had a job, maybe when the kids got a little bigger.
I decided that day that I was so damn sick of waiting on something that was right there and within my grasp. That day I simply said, "The baby is yours today. I am going to go outside with these kids and do the yard work."
It sounds so silly. Why was that so monumental. It was just that I finally realized that you don't have to wait around for someone else to be happy with the day. You just go on with it and they either catch up or they don't.
The kids and I had the best time. We raked a huge pile of leaves to the bottom of the slide. They slid into the pile over and over. I took pictures. We bagged up leaves. I sat Harry in the huge lawn bags and had him stomp the leaves down. They ran around and around the yard. Bill paced in and out a few times looking annoyed with being put on Owen duty. I honestly thought that he was going to see how we could mix fun with work and how we could do things as a family without it being a chore. Isn't this what it was all about? Wasn't this why we had kids...why I stayed home with them...what we had started this life for to begin with? Why did it seem so hard for days like this to happen. Why couldn't he just be like this too?
A few hours later all those questions got answered. I now believe without a doubt that all the times he told me that we were his world, that he was trying, that he wanted nothing more than to be with us, that he would love me for an eternity...he was out and out lying. I have spent alot of time trying to understand and as I have worked backwards through the years, I see it really clearly. Some people maybe haven't evolved enough to distinguish truth from desire. You can want something to be a certain way....you can want to be a certain person...you can want to be the person that you should be and that does not mean you are. Add to that a lethargic personality and no amount of running (on my part) was going to get that kite up in the air.
So that night, still armed with optimism, I thought we were going to talk after the kids went to bed. I thought I was going to be able to explain my idea to just go forward with things I wanted to do and try to have fun with the kids and how I hoped he would join in. I wanted to find a way to tell him how much it hurt to not feel included in his life, to feel like he was uninterested in our life, and to feel so damn unimportant. I didn't get a chance to say any of those things. Before all the kids were asleep and while I was sweeping up tracked in leaf fragments in the kitchen, he walked in the room and told me that he was "tired of the whole marriage thing." I can't even comprehend being married for nearly 10 years and then saying that. For a few hours, I didn't feel angry...I didn't feel punched in the gut...I didn't feel much of anything. As sudden and rediculous as the words sounded, it also kind of made sense. Our entire marriage flashed before my eyes as I sat on a bench saying to him, "I can not believe you are doing this." I thought to myself...you never even tried. I think I said that outloud, "When have you even tried?"

If I was still in Illinois this would have been the week I died

2010-05-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have been in some horrible pain. The doctor said it was a kidney infection, but I got a shot and have been on meds since Thursday and am just now getting a little relief. I think there is more going on. My hip hurts like it does when I have a 10 lb baby growing on my insides and crumbling my hip bones. And no, I DO NOT have a 10 lb baby (or any size one) currently growing on my insides THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE. I know I hurt my lower back being really stupid with a big pot of dirt that I thought I should carry back from the logging road no matter how badly it hurt. You know...I'm invinsible! And then I think I re-hurt myself dragging luggage around on my recent trip. Combine that with the kidney infection and I have been off my feet more than I have been since I learned to walk. I'm not a good sitter....not a good patient...absolutely DO NOT like to be still.
Thank God for Nini. After leaving her with 3 of the 4 (and the hardest 3) kids for 5 days while I went to CA, you think she would have needed a break, or a straight jacket. A couple of days after I got back, when I started dealing with all this pain, she stepped right in. I slept more in 2 days than I have total since becoming a mother. I'm not joking. I slept an entire day away. Today I spent half the day alternating ice and heat while she took my rowdiest 3 kids to church. I think I'm almost back to myself now. This sucked, but I can only imagine how much it would have sucked a few months back.
I know I've said it alot, but moving...moving here...BEST DECISION ever. I thank all the people who encouraged me to do so :) And there were really alot of you!

An actual dream

2010-05-19T08:17:00.001-07:00

I am not making this up. This is an actual dream I had back in December. It wasn't funny at the time because of someone's creepy conversation, but now looking back it is hilarious. Maybe I can go work for NBC. I dreamed an entire reality show. The name? "Who wants to be the Daddy?"
The show involves 4 men competing over who will step in and be the "dad" in a home with a single mom and various kids. The men range from single dads to career driven profeionals to fun loving bachelors. Each man gets to step into a sitcom stage "house" and complete various "daddy" tasks while the mom watches and critiques. The audience then votes on who made the best "dad".
Some of the tasks were changing a poopy blow-out explosive diaper, gathering all the supplies a woman trapped to the couch breastfeeding might want, cooking a dinner locked in a small kitchen with 4 toddlers, and getting an entire family ready and out the door to go somewhere.
While completing the tasks the audience was free to applaud, BOO, and yell out suggestions while the men scrambled the stage trying to make sense of what they were doing and trying to keep the free range toddlers out of the garbage and dog food.
I have an active sleeping imagination :)

Beautiful day

2010-05-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

Perfection

2010-05-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

If I ever had to be held hostage somewhere out in the wilderness I know exactly the place I would pick...well, like you would have a choice if you are being HELD HOSTAGE. Jason took Sam and I out hiking in the Santa Margarita Valley today. We walked along the rocks and moss in this beautiful creek....perfect creek! I loved climbing over the rocks, fallen trees, wading in the cool rushing water, watching the dogs swim, seeing Sam become more sure of himself and more independent. Perfect morning. We are having such a good time. Sam and I left on Thursday, his 7th birthday, and flew to San Diego to spend the weekend with Jason. When we arrived Thursday afternoon we did a little sight seeing...took Sam to see the big ships, stopped at a place where he could watch a ton of military helicopters flying around, and ate an In & Out cheeseburger. YUM. Friday we spent the day at Sea World. I have been to Shed Aquarium a few times and it is neat, but I had NO IDEA how cool Sea World was. We loved the shows. Jason got Sam a ticket to play with the dolphins in one of their "dolphin encounters". He got to pet them, learn some commands, and feed them some fish. It was very cool. Sam also got to ride his first roller coaster. Seeing both his and Jason's faces when they came off the roller coaster was definitely one of my favorite parts of the weekend. Yesterday we had lunch with Uncle Carl and Leona in Chulla Vista. They have a beautiful home. Lunch was great, Sam and Jason had a blast in the pool, and as always I love getting to hang out and chat with Uncle Carl. Perfect afternoon. After we had lunch and enjoyed the pool and patio for a while, we took Sam to see a movie in 3-D in one of the huge theaters. He was amazed. We saw "How to train your dragon" and it was a really cute show. This morning we had a nice little relaxing hike and played in the creek. The boys are playing video games now and then we're making snow crab legs, sweet potato fries, and I just got introduced to some AWESOME beer.
So, you see the reason I had to leave 3 of my children behind in Alabama....I do not want to leave tomorrow. If they were here it would be damn near impossible. I can't wait to see the little ones faces when I get back. I've never spent this much time away from them and I miss them so much. It was a nice break from mommy-ing, however. And I couldn't have asked for a more perfect visit. I'm putting in my order now...many more days (and nights) like these please.

Something I never wrote about....take two.

2010-05-14T21:41:00.001-07:00

Over the past 6 months, something has really been bothering me that I haven't taken the time to share. Really, its icky and not something fun to talk about. Once word seemed to get around (and it did quickly) that my husband left and moved in with a college girl, I found a nasty little trend started. Apparently there are married men who see this as a golden opportunity to capitalize on a woman who may be in the revenge seeking mood. First off, I have to say that I never did get in that mood. Secondly, if I had in fact got in that mood WHY THE HELL would I want to participate in the breaking apart of another family? I'm not going to sit here and say, "What is wrong with men?"....that's not the title of this post. I have also met some really amazing men and am currently having one of the best weekends I've ever had with one of them (top notch, keeps you laughing your ass off while making you feel like a queen, kind of guy).
But there is a small population of men that really give the rest of them a HORRIBLE name. Seriously, why would anyone think that a woman in my situation would think it was cute/appealing/charming for a MARRIED MAN with CHILDREN to hit on her. I'm not just ranting and raving over one person who was out of line or one person who rubbed me the wrong way....I'm speaking of AT LEAST seven men (that I can think of off the top of my head) over the last 6 months that left me feeling like they would be more than up for something inappropriate.
Unfortunately, between the way my "husband" behaved and this new light that these "men" have shed, now when I see a sweet little family (even some of my close friends) and I see the dad standing there holding one of the kids or having his arm around the wife I automatically (like a reflex) think to myself, "I hope he isn't faking it and is really plotting to walk away from them."
I don't know if I'll ever see that couple sitting at the park bench feeding their baby an ice cream without thinking that again. I remember when I used to just see the family, the cute picture, the little American dream.
This sounds so depressing! I guess I've been wanting to get these things off my chest and I'm finally in a happy enough place that it isn't scary to dip into those thoughts from time to time and process them. So, internet, me writing about these "not spoke of before" topics lately is a good thing. A VERY GOOD THING.

Single mom dating FAIL

2010-05-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

I promised that I would eventually share some funny stories when they weren't so, ummm, fresh. I'm going to go ahead and admit right now that when Bill left I had no intentions of sitting around being lonely. I knew immediately that part of the healing process and part of figuring out who this new me was involved "getting back out there". I don't expect everyone to agree with that statement. I honestly don't care if NO ONE agrees with that statement because I'm ok with how I've handled this entire situation. There is this one night, however, that was not handled well and that makes it funny as hell.
The night started with my neighbor finally convincing me that I should walk next door and relax. She had been telling me for weeks that I needed to get out of the house...sitting around, not sleeping, not eating, staring at the computer wasn't making anything better. She was right. The kids were fine. They go to bed very early so they were already tucked in. Our yards were practically the same yard and I could plug the baby monitor on her patio just like I had been plugging it on my patio when I went outside each night to stare at the sky, chain smoke, and call someone alarmingly nasty names under my breath.
Some background that I didn't consider when I agreed to go sit in her hot tub and have a couple of beer....I hadn't eaten in weeks and had lost a ton of weight, I hadn't drank much in years so am a total light weight even with beer, I hadn't been in a hot tub in so long I don't remember and had no idea about how quickly it can dehydrate you, I hadn't had much adult conversation so once she got me there I likely wouldn't shut up for hours which meant that I would be dehydrating the hell out of myself, and I hadn't slept more than 2 hours a night since Bill left.
I had been seeing this guy, we'll call him "Bob" cause that is easy to remember. He had not met the kids. We mostly just hung out on the patio or sitting on the couch after the kids were long asleep. It was nice to have someone to talk to. That night after hanging out with my neighbor, "Bob" was going to come over. My neighbor's husband brought us some sandwiches and we all hung out in the hot tub a little longer to eat the sandwiches. I had been in there for a few hours at this point. Only getting out occassionally to make sure the baby monitor was still working fine. After I ate, "Bob" and I walked through the yard and into my house.
I felt pretty proud of myself...I got out for a few hours, I had a friend over...I seemed normal again, right?
Owen woke up (which he did FREQUENTLY at that point) and I went in to get him back to sleep. "Bob" was always understanding about that and never seemed annoyed by the frequent interruptions. I don't think either of us expected what came next, however.
I started feeling really weird, really sick, really weak. I was holding Owen and had to ask "Bob" to take him. I started walking through the living room towards the bathroom when BAM! I don't really know what happened. The next thing I remember was "Bob" standing by my feet....me face down on the floor...kind of nudging me with his foot while bouncing Owen on his hip and asking, "Ummmm, is everything ok?"
I tried really hard to pretend that this was just a common no-big-deal kind of thing. You know, dates often involve whispering on the couch to not wake up her kids and then having to take care of her baby while she slams her face into the floor. That's like vanilla...nothing exciting to see here folks. I looked up and kind of behind me at him and said in the most formal voice, "Please don't let the fact that I am laying on the floor be alarming. I am just resting for a bit." Turns out that hours in a hot tub will severely depleate your body of hydration causing you to pass out. The only time I had ever passed out before this was during a medical emergency where I was suffering a severe loss of blood. I tried not to feel like an idiot the whole next day when my glasses were all out of whack and I had cuts around my left eye and a skinned knee. Needless to say, I haven't been in a hot tub since and think I could likely start a web page devoted to dating EPIC FAILS.

You'll pay for this, varmint!

2010-05-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

I sent Carlie out to feed and water her cats before the bus came. As soon as she got to the garage, I heard her scream. Apparantly, the racoons that were just annoying have upped their game. It's on! Ya better say yer prayers ya flea-bitten varmint, I'm agonna blow ya ta smitereens.
Seriously, what kind of crazy mutant racoon breaks into the garage and dumps toy bins, strews garbage everywhere, TURN ON THE LIGHT?!?!?, and steals the dog food. You onery fur-bearin' rebel...you'll pay for this!
I have a feeling I'm fighting an army of homeless racoons because of the logging that has been done around here. Bella stopped running away and sticks close by me at night. I think she realizes she is smaller and outnumbered. Sterling has made it her mission, however, to charge around the yard at night. She never used to do that.
I think when I get back next week I'm gonna have to get serious about claiming my territory and showing them who's boss. Don't yet know what that is going to entail, but I'm sure I'll come up with something.

The day after tomorrow, Sam and I leave for California. We're both very excited. Sam is so excited to get on a plane for the first time. I'm just going to pretend I'm walking into a room with a few other people to sit in rows for a while and then walk out of the room. I have no interest at all in thinking about the fact that we are UP IN THE AIR. I just can not make it make sense in my mind. I'm sure this will be totally easy with a kid who is going to do nothing but talk non-freaking-stop about the fact that it is sooooo cool that we are UP IN THE AIR and look at how tiny everything is down there since we are UP IN THE AIR. I am very excited, however, to spend a few days with someone who makes life make sense.

Ending with some of my favorite e.e. cummings quotes

"Unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense."

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

"Unbeing dead isn't being alive." (love this one)

Gonna loose 97% of my readers...

2010-05-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

I met (re-met) someone who has become really important to me...guy who wasn't scared of a little goat...mentioned this a while back and havne't said alot about it. I don't know why its hard for me to write about. Very likely because I want to say things like "I stand outside and the sun shines brighter on the butterflies pooping rainbows up by the heart shaped cloud." Right? PUKE. Who is this nausiating person?

Its OK to be mushy

2010-05-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

I got this in a text today. Mushy isn't one of my strong qualities. I can be sarcastic all day long, but mushy...its a little trickier for me. One thing I have been feeling very mushy about this weekend is Mother's Day. I don't think I ever quite got why we needed a day to be honored. Does that sound weird? Everyone else says stuff like Mother's Day should be once a week, etc. It used to be nice to get a little break and use "Mother's Day" as the excuse. That was only if the break coincided with someone already having the day off and being willing to give said break. It also usually involved dragging a nursing infant along. I wouldn't trade it for anything, though, and maybe that is why I didn't get the holiday.
It has felt so symbolic this year. It's like this is my first MOTHER'S day. MOTHER being "the only one". Even though I realize that I wouldn't have handled the last 6 months any other way, I also know that I have gone above and beyond for my kids and I'm proud of that. I'm not ashamed to give myself some credit when it is deserved. For this, I finally *get* this holiday. Mothers (hopefully) go above and beyond for their kids. We aren't just doing our job. We are doing our job and THEN SOME. So, hell yeah, we deserve a day to be singled out, recognized, honored.
I spent the day having fun with my four kids. As I sat at a local park watching them run around and play. Watching Carlie "mother" Owen....I realized how far I've come since becoming a mom and how far we've come since becoming a single-parent household. (And I'm about sick of that being said as a description for "obviously less than ideal for the children"...no shit it is less than ideal, but there are cases...probably many...where the one left is doing it the best damn way possible and that tone isn't helping. Whole other blog post.)
I think about the first days of being a single parent and thinking about how it was all going to work. Then I think about the earth shattering realization that "single parent" in our situation was not going to mean "co-parent" it was going to mean "you're dropped off in the middle of the forest...figure it out parent". I finally made myself read through all the posts from October-December. It was a difficult walk, but it has led to this wonderful feeling of victory. We went from those early days of children in such emotional pain, I was hopeless. The days of colapsing over laundry baskets feeling defeated, spending entire days/weeks in our house sometimes not making it to school. Baby steps got us through pulling all our mattresses into the same room so there were no more kids crying to sleep, getting out of our house, and socializing with friends again. We picked ourselves up out of that crap...broken fridge, broken toilets, flooded basement, entire life crumbling...and headed out on the road to starting over. Our first week in Alabama was life changing. I look at how far we've come and I feel very, very mushy.
I love these kids so much and I would do anything for them. They may be extra nice to me tomorrow and honor me for "Mother's Day", but I am so thankful for them and for the journey we went on together that has drawn us closer together and helped us embrace what strong survivors we are.

Virtual Tour...otherwise known as "I finally got a new charger for my camera!"

2010-05-07T12:34:00.000-07:00

The neglected blog

2010-05-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

I guess I should just change the title of my blog. We still have adventures, but I never seem to make the time to write anymore. I'm with you, Kristen, on the bloggers block. I guess there are many reasons...first, we're too busy outside and still settling into the new place. Also, I feel a bit bitter about certain people being able to read about the wonderful things these kids do when they aren't a part of their lives. I just don't want to go to password protected, though. It seems like a hassle for all the people who I enjoy letting into our lives.
Any thoughts out there from other bloggers about using the password feature? Do you do it? Have you had any complaints?

Families are forever....

2010-04-29T04:58:00.000-07:00

I'm happy that I don't have to go into the Wal-Mart that has this sign on the family bathroom wall anymore. Because it is bullshit with *some* families. Then there are people out there who aren't even your family who stick by you through thick and then. And other people who don't have to be your family who jump right in and consider you nothing less. The world is made up of all kinds of different people. That is what the kids learned on one of our homeschooling adventures out at Lake Argile when we talked about diversity in the environment and how it is necessary. We also talked about diversity in humans and how it is necessary. I have a hard time understanding why it is necessary, however, to completely write off 5 people that you once considered your family. I'm not even talking about Bill...I get why he did it. He has an intense character flaw of being the most insanely selfish person on the planet. Really, look up selfish on wikipedia....I bet there is live video of him.
What I don't get are the people who haven't checked in on the kids and I in over 6 months. These people I considered to be my family. I went out of my way to build relationships with them and make sure they were in the kids lives as much as possible. It just sucks. There are only 4 people really that it just still haunts me how we have just been dropped like flies from their radar. It bothered me from time to time, but when they didn't acknowledge Carlie's 9th birthday, I thought that really sucked. SUCKED.

Kindergarden and I'm backwards

2010-04-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

When it was time to register Carlie for Kindergarden, we were all like FINALLY. This was for many reasons, but mainly because she was so excited to be doing something. I had no problems dropping her off the first day. No tears from either of us. Sam was pretty much the same story. I was a little hesitant, but it all went fine. I'm sitting here trying to fill out Harry's Kindergarden registration and I'm just not ready for him to go. I know he is ready and he wants to and needs something else to do. There are many other reasons he should go too....like I should probably eventually start thinking about working again. I have just been having so much fun with him and Owen every day. We are really going to miss him. I'm having a harder time sending number 3 to Kindergarden than I did number 1.

We had another fun day riding around a golf cart and working in the yard. I don't take any of these moments for granted because I know how quickly they grow up and how soon my days will be much different.

Haunted

2010-04-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've had one of those days where I have felt the weight of the memories from last fall. The song, "You'll think of me", came on the radio. I know I've heard it before, but it really hit home today for some reason. I think because I believe that. I don't think it in the "I hope he thinks of me and regrets his actions" kind of way. I honestly could care less what he thinks about any of it. It is more in the "damn at the life he had that he threw away and how could he not think about that" kind of way.
I don't know how to write this without it coming out like I thought we were a perfect little family...I didn't think we were perfect. No one is. What I did think was how unique we were. We somehow (or the kids and I did anyway) had our priorities really in order. Family came first. Our kids came first. We sacrificed having things so that they had a full time parent. We had, usually three, meals together at our table every day. I thought we enjoyed our time together as a family. I thought we valued our family enough to do whatever it took to stay strong.
I don't know how anyone could have lived those years with these amazing kids and then just walk away. The hurt can heal...the life can be recreated...new journeys can be in front of us...but that shock will NEVER go away. I am still utterly shocked.
Today I had something I wanted to look up in my blog from last fall. At this point I don't even know what it was. I started to read some posts from October and November. It was like ripping open a wound. Just like then, I do not hurt for myself. I realize now even more than I did then that I have been set free to be myself. Reading the words I wrote...the descriptions of the things the kids said and did...it was like I was seeing it again. It has been over 6 months. The 6 month mark passed without me even realizing it. That is still so fresh, though. As a mother the worst form of torture is (well it should be) seeing your babies in pain. As acurate as those posts were when I read them, they still do not do justice to the amount of emotional pain the kids were in. My heart just shatters and my throat closes up when I think of some specific scenarios that are burned into my memory. I hope that those moments are not burned into theirs.
I still see some hurt from them sometimes, but they are so much better now. So much better here. I don't know how it works for kids in other divorces. I'm sure the shock is still there, but I think the shock for these kids over the fact that he could just walk out of their lives and only be a part of their lives via phone calls (that the kids make...he never calls) when he actually does answer...that shock is just too much sometimes.
I will say it is more so for Carlie. Sam really has a way of understanding emotions far more advanced than he should at 6 years old. It seems like he has come to terms with the fact that this was not his fault, was a very selfish thing his dad did, and that he has many people who care deeply about him and want to spend time with him. Harry is very sad sometimes. The hard thing for him is that at his age, he has very little memory of exactly what it was like before everything changed. It makes it very hard for him to even verbalize what he is feeling.
Owen still has a special place in all of our hearts. It is really hard to explain and the kids and I haven't even talked about it outloud. On one hand we feel sorry for him for not knowing his dad at all. On the other hand it makes us smile to know that he isn't sad or hurting or feeling rejected or abandoned. He is just happy.
I started writing this to get it all out of my head so that I could get some sleep. I started writing this with tears in my eyes. Now I'm smiling because I can clearly see that the pain that was haunting me today is in the past. We will never live those days again. And the days ahead of us are something to look forward to. The people we have surrounding us now are exactly what the kids and I need.
\

What they were craving

2010-04-19T10:09:00.000-07:00

The kids are finally getting some one on one attention and I can see what a huge difference it is making for them. That was one of the biggest noticeable differences for me when I started single parenting. Yes, there are no breaks for me, but the kids never get a break from eachother. Their relationships were stronger in some ways because of what happened, but I could see that they were being hurt because of the hostility they were starting to feel towards eachother over not ever getting to feel special or singled out.
Now that I have more help with the kids and we are in a better place, I've started making sure that they get more of that. It has really made a difference for them. They are getting those "love cups" filled again. They are enjoying the time we all spend together more and are having things to look forward to again.
Some things coming up that we are all excited about...
This weekend we're going back to Panama City Beach to celebrate Carlie's birthday (which is on Monday). I can not believe my first baby is going to be 9 years old! Benita and Austin are coming with us and I think the kids are just as excited to get to tell Austin we are going to the beach as they are to actually go. Austin has autism and has a hard time anticipating things even when they are going to be fun. We will tell him that morning that we are leaving for the beach. We all can't wait to see how excited he gets.
Sam's birthday is in May. He'll be 7 this year. Sam and I are flying out to California together. It will be his first time on a plane and only my 4th. He is soooooo excited about flying that he has been talking about it non-stop since I told him.
Towards the end of May, Carlie is going to be riding back to Macomb to visit with my mom and Bill's mom. She is hoping to get to see some of her friends while she is there so I need to start making calls and arranging those playdates. Karen will be driving her back and get to spend some time with the boys also.
Harry and I are planning a day together without Owen. While the big kids are at school we do so many fun things together but it always includes watching out for Owen, keeping Owen happy, etc. We're going to go to the zoo and out for ice cream together one day just me and him. He's as excited about that as Sam is about flying.
The older kids have all started spending Saturday nights with Benita and Chop. It has been a ton of fun for them and has really helped me only having to get one kid ready for church on Sunday mornings. This has also given Owen and I an evening to ourselves each week for me to just enjoy him being a baby and do things that he likes to do. Right now we both share a favorite activity...walking up the logging road to collect rocks.
I haven't been updateing the blog much because we are outside nearly entire days. Being here has been better than I even imagined and we've all done more healing than I thought we would be able to do in years.

The day that just keeps going

2010-04-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

So, don't drink a red bull at 10:30 at night...yes, everyone else in their right mind already knows that.

This morning I woke up and decided to take it easy. Just wanted to spend the day lounging around with the boys and relaxing. I even asked Benita to pick us up a little plastic pool and a lawn chair when she went to town. I forgot one thing...I do not know how to take it easy, lounge, or relax.
While we were waiting for the sun to get high enough in the sky that I could lay out in the back yard....just because you CAN fit into your old bikinis doesn't mean you SHOULD. And if you are going to anyway, then you really should take it to the back yard....I decided to do a little raking on the hill by the driveway while the boys played. Immediately I saw some brick steps and had to find out what else was under all the pine straw and leaves. We spent the next 5 or 6 hours raking, raking, raking and digging and transplanting. I called to borrow a wheelbarrow from someone and ended up getting to drive around a fun camo golf cart complete with fake leaves pulling a wagon that we could carry load after load of pine needles and leaves to our burn pile. The boys and I had so much fun today....felt kind of guilty that the older two had to be at school. I'm not sure I ever worked that hard outdoors in mythe life, but loved every minute of it. Also, we made lots of extra trips around the yard in the golf cart because that shit is fun!
When the big kids got in from school we went out to Benita's for dinner. At this point I had bathed the younger two, but was still completely filthy from the day and reaking of smoke. We came home in time to get the older two in the bath and everyone to bed on time. Right as I was doing tuck ins the power went out. I don't feel quite as alone here...I immediately had 3 people here trying to help me figure out what was up. One is an older man from down the road that asks some pretty uncomfortably personal questions but it always cracks me up. He's just trying to figure me out, but hasn't realized yet that first of all...he never will and second of all...read this blog, man, I'm a nut. I smiled, nodded, and yes sir'd my way through his grandfatherly questioning. Anyway, the power company came out and said it would be hours to fix the issue (which is why I drank the red bull) but they actually fixed it fairly quick. There was a problem with a water faucet in the yard getting backed over so the water had to be turned off. Yes...filthiest, grossest state ever and I can't take a bath. And ohhhhh how I love baths. I found, though, that it is amazing what you can do with a bowl of microwave melted ice cubes.
I'm gonna end this before I go nuts over the moth that won't quit activating the touch screen on the computer. STOP IT FRED!